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Monday, March 23, 2015

WrestleMania XXX Cynical Review

Caught this on the Network stream last night, while tweeting plenty of good-natured snark with the ever-reliable TNA Creative and my friend Kate, who generally work in concert with me to make weekly episodes of Raw tolerable. We pass that liveliness onto the rest of the Twittersphere. Follow us on Twitter Monday nights and we'll try and salvage three hours of drek for you. It's our mission.

So, WrestleMania XXX. Up until four weeks before the show (the 'Occupy' incident), I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Then I spent four weeks being jazzed for the card. After it was over, I left the viewing party quite satisfied. Let's see if it holds up a year later.

-Live from New Orleans



-On the call, Cole, JBL, and Lawler, who actually may have violated an unwritten rule about drinking from the subliminal Mountain Dew bottle. At least make sure the logo's facing forward when you're done, man.

-So Hogan kicks things off as the host, much in the same way that Donald Pleasance once hosted SNL, in that he did a monologue and one skit and we never saw him again. Yes, he confuses "SuperDome" with "SilverDome", which nobody would do today if they saw the state of both buildings. Austin arrives to chide Hulk good-naturedly on the gaffe, and Rock follows in order to explain how WrestleMania is responsible for the spike in births around January. It's three-quarters of WWE's Mount Rushmore with Bruno Sammartino sitting ringside, though I can't imagine Bruno commenting on WrestleMania's aphrodisiac powers. Fine segment, but I remember being annoyed at how long it was taking (wet blanket smark, that is I), and was more annoyed at Cesaro being relegated to the pre-show in order to fit this lovefest in. That may be rectified, however.

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H (winner enters main event)

That would be Charlotte, Sasha Banks, and Alexa Bliss I believe as the harem girls for Triple H's gold-plated Skeletor entrance, which is pretty impressive. Stephanie's "Sexy Happy Feet" ensemble doesn't even detract from it. The match itself was as awesome as I recall it being. Though some say that Bryan carried Hunter to the epic, I see it as Triple H playing up to Bryan's level, that personal competitive side manifesting to its strongest showing in years. Bryan threw caution to the wind, while HHH worked to outwrestle him by focusing on the injured left shoulder. The hammerlock slam on the apron was a nice touch, and the submission exchanges were more dramatic than spells of rest. Bryan kicking out of the Pedigree I think was the cincher that he was winning two matches (I wonder if Warrior taught Bryan how to shake off the effects?). Bryan escapes another Pedigree and finishes with the Baisuke knee. It still remains the second-greatest opening match in WrestleMania history behind Bret and Owen, although what was the other competition? Money in the Bank from 23? Eddie vs. Rey? Rockers vs. Haku and Barbarian? That last one is vastly underrated, but not in the league of this match. Hey, Hunter's given us NXT; least we can do is offer up the "YOU STILL GOT IT" chant, can't we?

Rating: ****1/2

The Shield vs. New Age Outlaws/Kane

Abbreviated showing, with a subtle twist that probably wasn't intended: the Outlaws' music omits "yo ass" because, you know, it's a kid's show, but Shield enters with these swank half-face skull bandannas that look like Sons of Anarchy meets Mortal Kombat, thus making the younger guys look cooler for a change. The Attitude Era gets summarily squashed as Shield counters everything and takes the fight to the heels, including stereo suicide dives from Ambrose and Rollins onto the Outlaws. Gunn is pinned after he and Dogg sustain a stereo powerbomb from Reigns. In hindsight, seeing one of the replay angles focus on Reigns posing instead of Rollins pinning Gunn draws a comprehending nod while grimacing. By beating Kane and the Outlaws, the Shield unlock The Mean Street Posse, Essa Rios, the WWF Hardcore Title, and the use of WWF New York as hardcore match venue.

Rating: 3/4*

-Dangerous Danny Davis makes a cameo, screwing Sgt. Slaughter out of a Slam City match. Shame Jack Tunney's blackballed and, er, dead, otherwise he could suspend this crooked official once more. Dibiase steps in and buys the toys before Steamboat can improvise a five-star match with the set. Fun stuff.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

An annual pastime is taking WrestleMania's seemingly-annual battle royal and listing off the participants no longer with the company a year later. I count Del Rio, Mysterio, Slater, McIntyre, Mahal, Khali, Brodus, Tatsu, and Gabriel, while Santino and Otunga are all but inactive as workers. Amazingly, only two of the ten gone wound up in TNA, one as rabble-rousing hero and the other as the bodyguard of the best heel in wrestling not named Kevin Owens. The match begins as the usual littering of undercard geeks, with nothing really interesting happening until the crowd Fandango's for, well, Fandango, and Sheamus punks him out to end the fun. Jerk. The final eight makes for a good mix with Sheamus, Del Rio, Cesaro, Show, Rey, Ziggler, Rhodes, and Kofi, which is rendered depressing when you realize that all of these men were capable of having an actual match (and story) of substance. But still, it's all worth it when Cesaro hoists Show up for a scoop slam and dumps him for the win, which spurred one hell of a crowd reaction. This should have been the start of bigger things for Cesaro, but well, Vince happens.

Rating: **3/4

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

Dancing Voodoo Priestess (reported to be Linda McMahon in a reveler's mask) and Mark Crozer's Spy vs. Spy band make for one of the better special entrances. That and Helmsley's evil king entrance easily make the all time top ten for WrestleMania entrances, I would think. The match was pretty polarizing at the time with Wyatt losing and in hindsight, I can't figure out why he did either. Especially since it led to the awful cage match at Extreme Rules where Cena annihilated the entire Wyatt Family, only to lose because he was spooked by Jameson's demonic son (first Cam Newton, now Cena). The match itself is less action and more psychology, with Wyatt trying to convince Cena that he needs to break the rules in order to win. As far as morality plays go, it lacked subtlety (welcome to WWE!), but Wyatt is such a dynamic force that when he's inspired, he's captivating. It was also a fresh matchup for Cena, as he had an opponent that simply didn't look like a geek when confronted by the same-old-offense. It's also why the Rusev pairing works today, because Cena at this stage needs variety to knock the dust off of his act. Cena finishes after refusing to strike a beckoning Wyatt with a chair, and finishes the sequence with an AA. He sells mental anguish afterward, but for about nine seconds before he goes and hugs his dad and the Anoai family. And you people say Hogan didn't sell. Match was pretty good, though.

Rating: ***1/2

-I have to note how awesome it is that Scott Hall was giving Warrior the double-point during the Hall of Fame intros. nWo and oWn finally merge!

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

With a year of hindsight, I'll still defend Lesnar as the Streak's conqueror (though it's wasted if he loses to an ice-cold Reigns). I'll also say that the match was a little better than I remembered it being. It's still slow to account for Undertaker's sustained concussion, but Lesnar's stark, brooding beatdown actually stands out more knowing what was going to happen. A year ago, you thought it was just window-dressing before the inevitable comeback by Taker, but in its panoramic context, it actually enhances the match, I think. Some parts were a little sad, like the shortened German suplex to accommodate for Taker's pain, but they make sense. They did what they could possibly do in these circumstances. The ending is still a moment I look back on with fondness, just because it made the audience actually feel. I know I was stunned, and so were my fellow watchers at the party. Not angry stunned, but just "ho-lee SHIT" stunned. I like feeling that way as a fan, because I've read too many dirt-sheets and desensitized myself to the fun side of the sport enough to ever fully wipe the layers of cynicism off, We need these moments sometimes to shake us awake from the lull, because that match was a lull in more ways than one. The stunned gallery of faces at ringside is the sort of WrestleMania moment that had been lacking for years. Not an "all the feels" moment like someone's retirement, but a moment of utter disbelief. Anything that turns know-it-alls into marks at the snap of two fingers is fine by me. I include myself in the gallery there.

Rating: **1/2

14 Diva Clusterfuck

Sent out there to die were the women's roster, with a crowd rendered catatonic by the previous match ending. Vickie screeching manages to wake them up just a little. Probably the best move of the match was Alicia Fox's tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Most notable occurrence was Nikki and Brie's staredown, which drew no reaction, but they're the stars of a TV series, so whatever, the push will be theirs. AJ ends with the somewhat botched forced-tap out on Naomi, ending seven minutes of aimless filler. WWE really didn't 'give them a chance' here, did they?

Rating: 3/4*

-Hogan refusing to pronounce 'Orndorff' correctly, and Orndorff's "Do ya have to use so many cusswords?" mustache make my spirits soar. That, and Piper telling Mr. T he's sorry. Watch all of Piper's promos between 1984 and 1986, there's a LOT to apologize for.

-Also lifting my spirits is Bob Backlund's battle with popcorn kernels in his teeth, and Bret Hart outpopping most of the roster just by appearing on the Titan Tron.

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE Championship)

Rich Luzzi's partially lip-synced performance of "Voices" comes a distant fourth in special entrances (had forgotten to note Undertaker's display of 22 labeled caskets, and an attempted gloss-over of the CM Punk coffin). The main event was a great mix of triple threat drama at its best (breaking up near falls, good timing from all participants) and some Attitude Era-level fuckery (Triple H and Stephanie getting involved with Scott Armstrong). Bryan cleaning house was just the thing the fans needed to sink their teeth into following Taker's loss, and he got quite the pop for blasting Hunter in the chin with the sledgehammer. The Batista Bomb into the RKO (well, neckbreaker) through the commentary table was a memorable spot, especially for Orton, who landed on the monitor back first and cut himself up. Batista should know more about where to place them; the company's used the same monitors since 1985. Bryan gets to do the Willis Reed Comeback and fights his way in, with the crowd now at a fever pitch. This is probably the first WrestleMania since 21 where I had butterflies during the final match (yeah, I wanted Batista to beat Hunter pretty badly). The near-falls here not involving Bryan were done perfectly, so that when Bryan leveled Batista with the Baisuke knee, it spiked the crowd to its zenith. Then Bryan wins with the Yes Lock, which brings me to this point: for as much as we shit on Batista last year, was there a better team player? He submit to Bryan, took the fall to Reigns at Extreme Rules, and was the first man eliminated at Payback. For all the talk of his purported ego, he put over new talent, and then spoke highly of Bryan during media appearances for Guardians of the Galaxy. That makes him a pro, I think. The match capped off an unforgettable night, and mostly importantly, they got the ending right.

Rating: ****1/4

OVERALL: Hard to find fault with this show, unless you love Undertaker and hate Cena. In that case, I suppose you could find fault with it, but I don't. It's an excellent WrestleMania, probably the best since 21 or 20, and it belongs in the pantheon of greatest WrestleManias ever. It should have kicked off a new era of greatness for the company, but Bryan's injury and the most half-assed booking this side of autopilot brought 2014 into a nose-dive. At, what could have been.

Thumbs way up.

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