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Thursday, March 16, 2017

Impact Review 3:16 2017

Sadly do not have the review of last week’s mess, though we hope to have one more often as we see AndFuc ThatOwl try to go to war while trying to pay wrestlers. This will go awkwardly.


We see last week’s mess first though before Alberto El Patron walks out without the gold, uses his lady’s phrase, and talks about beating TNA/Impact World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley. This brings Ethan Carter III to demand a match to see who goes after the gold. Alberto says EC3 is not Lashley. EC3 mocks Alberto, who insists he’s not wrestling, followed up with a brawl. This leads to Alberto accepting. Obviously one is turning, but whom is likely to anger many.


A One Night Only with guys who are not here, followed by Eddie Edwards talking about trying to help this place. If this place goes, we hope guys like him get a shot in WWE.


A worked-shoot-Lite about the deal with the TNA/Impact tag team issue.


The announce team is a mess as we see a video about Tyrus and Eli Drake. Then they team against Lerado Kid and Garza Jr. Drake starts with Lerado, both hold their own as Garza Jr. tags in, and sends Drake outside to get hit with a team assault. Lerado is in, but Tyrus tags in going into break. Back from break, Tyrus keeps Lerado separated as he tags Drake in and out of the match, but the hot tag presents the rally and ducking the hit, sending Tyrus to the ground, and winning using the school boy.


We see Edwards, James Storm, and TNA/Impact Grand-Champion Moose talking about NOAH. Strange we have a promotion working with us. We think they may be paid better.


Barging through, Cody talks about his name being pimped out as he holds Jeff Jarrett’s failed promotion/Alleged gold scam’s midcard belt. He does a worked-shoot while bribing Brandi Rhodes’ opponent on the small price she’s being paid. Maybe if Jarrett paid her in time shares. Back from break, TNA/Impact Knockout Champion Rosemary attacks.


EC3 talks about defeating everyone is what makes this place great. Strangely, his match is next. Both begin by brawling into break. Back from break, EC3 beams right in the stomach. As EC3 stomps away and throws Alberto around, he pins as Lashley talk booms up. Both wrestlers head outside as we think about pushing Josh Mathews do… We promised a friend we would not say that. Back in the ring, EC3 gets out of a wristlock and uses his moves of doom, and sends Alberto to both the outside, then the table. Once back inside, EC3 is sent outside this time going into break. We like seeing Don on TV. Back from break, EC3 blasts away before being hit with Alberto’s own moves of doom. Alberto goes for an armbreaker, but EC3 rolls out of it. Alberto goes to fly, but EC3 brings him into the turnbuckle. After brawling, EC3 gets out of the stomp attempt, and hits the TK3 before cornering himself to heal.  He hits a second TK3, but heads outside to catch his breath & the chair. He wants to strike, until he throws the weapon. Alberto hits the kick, then locks in the armbreaker, getting the win. After the bout, respect is paid from Alberto to EC3, who shakes his hand. Makes the bout’s outcome tolerable.


Reno Scum yell about becoming TNA/Impact World Tag Team Champions.


EC3 is enraged, we suspect he’ll be wrestling in the cage.


Madison Rayne talks mainly being in TNA her adult life. A sad-life perhaps.


A fan with a sign believing in cutting Josh.


We found the Suicide gear and put it on some guy. He’s wrestling Andrew Everett, Braxton Sutter, and TNA/Impact X-Division Champion Trevor Lee. Everyone starts by eliminating Lee, then brawling with each other. When Suicide goes to fly, Lee stops him. Everett brawls with Lee, as both he & Suicide fly going into break. Back from break, Lee & Everett brawl while Gregory Shane Helms distracts as the announce team argues about “She” being here next week. That’s not very helpful. Lee throws Everett around before choking Suicide before being put in an abdominal stretch, and pin attempt. Sutter battles in, but then they all hit a tower of power. Laurel Van Ness looks drunk eating cake. She’s ours. The distraction attracts something, a win. Sienna emerges, and warns Sutter and Allie about their new love.


Moose talks about making the show great through his work.


Bruce heads out to say the Tag Team Belts will be decided in two weeks with four teams battling. The Decay are on their way. Abyss mumbles before Crazzy Steve adds not much before Rosemary says her team deserves them. Reno Scum emerge. Only time before Lerado and Garza JR., the second in different gear. All brawl until LAX destroy absolutely everyone.


Well tonight was something. Perhaps something needed.


Friday, February 24, 2017


For those who've been enjoying the lists of facts I'm writing for WhatCulture on each WrestleMania, I figured I'd archive them here for simple convenience.

Also enclosed are Adam Blampied's video versions of my lists, in which he adds his charming wit and whimsy to my entries. He does wonderful work, and he's put a larger spotlight on my writing, so yay Adam, gracias.

If you haven't done so already, follow Adam on Twitter, and what the hell, follow me too.

I (video version)
II (video version)
III (video version)
IV (video version)
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VII (video version)
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XXIX (video version)
XXX (video version)
XXXI (video version)
XXXII (video version)

Thursday, February 23, 2017

ImpactReview 2/23/2017

Thoughts this week to the families of George "The Animal" Steele, and to Ivan Koloff.
Fighting to be certain Josh says nothing. We’ll have to kill him last
Broken Matt Hardy speaks to George Washington, then departs part of his abilities to “Brother Nero” Jeff Hardy. Boy, the TNA World Tag Team Champions. Also, we see more about Braxton Sutter and Laurel Van Ness. We’ll drink more.
Cody briefly talks about TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley before bringing up Brandi teaming with Moose. After asking to see him, Moose enters. After being thanked by Cody, Moose says he has their backs. Cody begins to wonder about Brandi. After feigning it was a joke, he attacks Moose. After the assault, he hints at being Bullet Club. Still a better use than on RAW.
The recap of Cody’s assault of Moose sees him leaving with Brandi.
Eli Drake and Tyrus talk about the issues they have before locking-up, which happens after this promo. Before the bout, Drake berates his former guard. After trying to take Tyrus down, he then grabs another microphone and tries to get a fingerpoke, but Tyrus refuses, and pokes him back. After trying to get him to lay down again, it is decided by Drake to KO referee Earl Hebner. Tyrus goozles Drake until Drake offers more money. Tyrus brings Drake in for a hug.
Sienna is getting herself in her make-up for tonight, but Allie is not around. We think we know where.
Don West sells awesomely.
Matt’s back out of Egypt, wearing gold. He says they will need to get more gold.
Jade talks taking back the division TNA Knockout Champion Rosemary dominates. This leads to the Champion saying Jade should be saving herself instead. Jade demands a Last Woman Standing match, which is accepted.
Sutter and Mike Bennett drinking and talking about later. We almost joined them, but they may worry about our drinking.
Bram vs. Jesse Godderz starts next. Eddie Kingston tries to distract Jesse twice, but only succeeds after the third time. This leads to the match twice heading outside, but Bram can’t get the pin. Bram runs off the ropes, but is caught in a powerslam. Jesse locks in the Adonis lock as he drags Bram in the middle. Kingston tries to distract, but Bram is now slingshotted into him, and is pinned by Jesse. Afterwards, Jesse avoids the two DCC members out here.
The Hardys are in another lockerroom, where they asks to wrestle the Tag Team Champions of this promotion.
Allie’s here. She looks aggravated. Her voice seems normal. She then asks Sutter if he wants to do this. He seems ready to explode.
The Hardys wrestle what may be a shoot. Live in the Madison Civic Center, maybe the biggest bout. The Hardys battle Mathis-&-Rage. Again, mainly highlights of the match, with Jeff as a face in peril until he brings Matt into the match. Bringing them down with a double twist of fate and a side effect, the fight brings itself outside, before Jeff sends Rage down a staircase, and then helps Matt bring this to it’s end. The Hardys return to add these belts.
Josh Barnett talks about Lashley, then being sure to be clear he will win the belt.
Don sells brilliantly like Ziggler.
Josh Barnett aims to treat Bad Bones like he plans to treat Lashley. Barnett begins with kicks and a takedown. Before Barnett does any more, he is hit with a spear by Bad Bones, who dominates a bit, but is reversed into a powerbomb, then after a Northern Lights suplex, Barnett locks the keylock to get a win.
TNA X-Division Champion Trevor Lee defends against DJZ tonight. DJZ starts by lunging out at Lee and brawls with him on the outside of the ring. Once back inside, Lee kicks DJZ, but DJZ is able to get things his way, though he still has an injury bringing him down a bit. DJZ uses plenty of clotheslines, but is caught into a suplex, and punched by Lee, who targets the ankle of DJZ. Lee stays on him as Josh Mathews acts the second dumbest he has this week. DJZ uses a hurricarana, but the distraction of Gregory Shane Helms enables Lee to use the roll-up with tights to retain. After the match, DJZ attacks, but is almost Pillmanized until Andrew Everett makes the save.
Sutter is told he has to marry Laurel.
Next week has Lashley vs. Barnett. Ready up.
The wedding is now. Sutter brings the drunken Bennett. He should not have started drinking with us this morning. Rockstar Spud brings Aron Rex out. Bennett may want to start drinking some more to get through this. Laurel’s bridesmaids into break. Back from break, Laurel is introduces without the kayfabe dad who is financing this. But out is Allie. As fans begin chanting “We don’t care”, we prefer the wedding from Spaceballs. But while Laurel starts talking in a way Lee Ving know about, we get to the objections part, where Allie is stewing, but won’t say anything now. After being tripped, then berated, the rings are presented. Sutter proceeds to stutter before saying he won’t marry Laurel. He then says he’s in love with Allie. He then makes it official Allie’s job was at stake. Allie bellows out “I quit”, then Sutter bashes Bennett. Brooke runs out, then Robbie E.
A fun segment on an otherwise good, but plain show.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Impact-Review 2/16/2017

Thoughts out to the loved ones of Chavo Guerrero Sr. And Nicole Bass.
Fight to be the best, or the Raw Deal awaits.
Before TNA World Tag Team Champions The Hardys defend, we see 2 recaps. One see Eddie Edwards betrayed. After this, The Decay battle Moose and Brandi Rhodes. The match begins with TNA Knockout Champion Rosemary distracts Moose, but it doesn’t help until they get Moose outside. This brings Crazzy Steve dominating with holds & chops, but Moose brings himself back up until Abyss begins to distract him. Despite this, Moose sends Steve outside, and tags in Brandi, who dominates Rosemary off the top. She brings Moose back in, who gets the pin over Steve.
Edwards does not stop to say barely anything, but Davey Richards is his target.
Moose tells Brandi she’s being Mini-Moose. A) That name is familiar. B) He may want to get with her.
Edwards says that what happened was his biggest low-point. Angelina Love says Davey is not fighting, and asks where Eddie was when Davey was injured. She then introduces Davey. The two former partners argue & Davey says he will destroy the name they built before they brawl. When it’s over, Edwards demands a street fight to be held tonight.
Last night, Braxton Sutter was at the bachelor party held by Mike Bennett. The guys there look about what you’d expect of us.
The Hardys are in the arena out in Mexico. Boy, the referee will go underground.
Next week Sutter marries Laurel Van Ness. But Allie’s stuff last night doesn’t appease many.
Eddie Kingston wrestles Jesse Godderz. Jesse is dominated early on with strikes, but Jesse brings his surprising speed to battle out. It doesn’t last long, as he is suplexed, and is sent into the middle-rope. Jesse takes advantage of a miss to break out, using the blockbuster to try to pin. When Kingston goes outside, he is grabbed, but hangs Jesse on the rope, and hits an STO to try a pin of his own. Jesse battles out and tries an Adonis Lock. After a few more moves, Jesse gets the pin, but has to run after the arena blacks out.
Sutter doesn’t want what’s implied to be drugs, and wants to leave, but Bennett refuses to let him leave. One of Bennett’s buddies climbs a ladder, brings himself on the possible drug guy. Well, it’s not the 1st time we had guys wrestle wasted.
Tyrus will host Fact of Life this week. Guessing Greg Gutfeld won’t join him.
Allie’s party pisses them off. Should’ve had drinking.
Tyrus introduces Eli Drake, who despite having an arm in a sling, demands Tyrus get off the table. Drake  becoming like The Rock with his mockery of Tyrus’ weight, and ends up with Tyrus hand on his throat. Both will wrestle next week.
The Hardys meet Konnan, who’s happy to know they’re used to not wanting money.
Laurel gets some freaky looking present. It’s from us.
The Hardys battle Psicosis and Super-Crazy to be Tag Team Champions in Mexico too. Basically, it’s in clips as Vanguard 1 interacts with some femininas. Fun action as we see the win of The Hardy’s. Now, they’ve teleported to their home. Next week sees them battle in Mid-Atlantic action.
Brooke wants Sienna next. She may be drunk with us though after what we think will happen.
Brooke vs. Sienna starts with the speed of Brooke and the power of Sienna keeping it even-handed, with each one exchanging moves like a game. Once Sienna uses Brooke’s arm to apply a sleeper-like attack. Sienna then uses her tape to resume the choke, then stomps away. Brooke still kicks out as we get the indication Sienna possibly becoming her own entity will happen. Brooke rolls out of the way, leading to Sienna having to stop before plowing into Maria. As Brooke gets out of the AK-47, she uses the roll-up to win. Seems like it was on RAW.
Sutter wants to leave while it’s Bennett’s friend bringing an altered DVD of Bad Teacher, then Bennett’s idea of the stripper is the bust. Didn’t think there would end up a time where that DVD would work nicely. Still better than the recent party we went to.
Don West is selling more great stuff. Or stuff is being sold by great Don.
Drake promises to beat Tyrus next week as he intrudes on the cameraman’s personal space.
TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley is out here. As Lashley takes being TNA Champion with arrogance, he says he loves fighting, battling, & hurting people. This brings out Josh Barnett, who everyone suspects will soon be TNA Champion. We’re not joking. Barnett doubts Lashley’s drive to be TNA Champion. Lashley warns him not to do this as he shakes hands. Lashley says in MMA, there are going to be rules to protect Barnett, but Barnett tries to lock the arm of Lashley. This results in both deciding to wrestle.
Sutter leaves after everyone’s plastered, but not before placing Bennett’s phone next to him after sending out a phone-call on it. Even the happily married & faithful need to put a passcode on.
Edwards is here for the bout. This leads to Angelina speaking to distract, leading to Davey attacking from behind. Davey tries to throw Edwards into the rail, but he’s reversed & chopped. Edwards goes to again, but Davey gets out of the way. Davey attacks the arm that was sent into the ring-post going intobreak. Back from break, Davey hit’s Eddie’s hand with the chair. Davey then stomps on Eddie in the corner. Davey’s stopping to taunt brings the opening to Eddie, who sends Davey outside & flies at him. Edwards throws him back inside and brings the chair back in, but this brings the chair of Angelina to again distract. Now Davey strikes. Davey goes again, but Elisha Edwards makes the save, but is beaten up as Angelina handcuffs her to the bottom rope. As Angelina goes to use the weapon, Edwards throws himself over his wife as a shield. Davey then grabs it and slugs away. Angelina puts the second weapon on Edwards, which Davey uses to con-chair-to. Then she low-blows referee Earl Hebner. The match is officially a no-contest, though Angelina begins to count as a symbol.
Next week’s match with the Hardys is advertised. A bit much after that. Oh well.
Not a bad week, though it is again slower than Nick Patrick’s 3-count.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Impact Review 2/9/2017

Many are snowed in, which means those watching are freezing in hell. Arnold has not steered us wrong.
First, the bouts of last week, but this week starts after the DCC enter in their gear. James Storm talks about having a mission, and they will hurt whoever gets in the way. Eli Drake enters. Tyrus says they’ll wrestle the three on them, despite what Drake is implying. Tyrus mock the three of them until a brawl breaks out. Tyrus gets the better of Eddie Kingston until Storm gives the low-blow going into break. Back from break, Tyrus beats up Kingston on a 3-on-2 match. Bringing in Drake off the tag, Drake leave an opening to have Bram tag in. Before Bram takes things his way, Drake uses a powerslam and punches. A suplex by Drake gets him two, so he brawls before tagging Tyrus into the match again. Tyrus and Drake use a distraction to use a team assault on Bram. Drake tries for an elbow, but Bram rolls out of the way and tags in Storm, who tries the last call, but Drake falls back to tag in Tyrus. Storm tries to get Tyrus to dance, but gets elbowed. Drake inexplicably walks away. Tyrus holds his own until the last call to end the match.
We see Bobby Lashley’s win in July to unify both the TNA World Heavyweight & X-Division Championships to hype a final fight.
Brandi Rhodes intends to call out TNA Knockout Champion Rosemary. This will be a beautiful disaster.
Braxton Sutter and Allie meet over water before Maria bellows to her to bring her coffee and now whiskey coffee, that’s ours. Then she tells Sutter to propose to Laurel Van Ness.
Brandi calls Rosemary vile, and wants to set things straight. After a standard-CAW promo, then The Decay emerge with Rosemary licking the belt. Rosemary adds Brandi should’ve tasted her sickness. This is still a family show. But then Rosemary uses the choke until Moose destroys both of the men in the group.
Aron Rex again shows wrestling should be as accepting as wrestling fans.
Don West is better than half the commentators.
Recap of Moose saving Brandi has Moose threatening The Decay before Brandi challenges Rosemary to wrestle her & Not-Cody.
Rex appears to set the LGBT image back 50 years. We hear this is supposed to be the real him. The real him will be happy to get a Gooker Award nomination. He still has Rockstar Spud proceed to sing before Robbie E stops this. Robbie E looks like he stole Johnny Mundo’s gear, but Rex takes over early on, but each time he’s hit. There is a hysterical scream. The battle heads outside, where Spud attacks and sends Robbie E back into the ring. A missed knee by Rex sees Robbie E piece together a series of moves before Rex grabs Spud. Robbie E goes to hit Spud, but is hit with Rex’s ring hand to end the match. This gimmick won’t die fast enough.
Next is TNA World Tag Champion Broken Matt Hardy assuring both Reby and “Brother Nero” Matt Hardy that the Seven Deities would not steer him wrong. That means he’ll be defeating Bray Wyatt at Summerslam.
We see Eddie Edwards winning the belt in October, then Edwards is seen with his wife, Davey Richards, and Angelina Love-Richards. Try to guess who will be on his side in the ending.
Mike Bennett tries to calm Sutter about this stuff with Laurel. Trust us, she’s better with us.
The Hardys are next up. Matt says he’s gotten broken pieces of his expedition, but now it’s clear after Vanguard 1 was updated for teleportation. Basically, this is too messed up not to be the absurdist hit of wrestling. Matt talks about winning different Tag Team Championships. Jeff asks Matt to simplify it. This leads to Matt saying they will touch Vanguard 1 teleport them. Possibly to ROH to battle The Young Bucks, or to “MeekMahan”. Soon. Then, they teleport to Tijuana. This is getting so wonderfully messed up, WWE will try to get another Gooker Award-nomination.
Don again. Nice.
Finding the battle involving Edwards and Lashley to be near.
TNA-Impact-Grand Champion Drew Galloway defends against Mahabali Shera, who shows he’s improved a little bit, but Drew won’t go so easy, even going to fly, but he’s thrown off the top. Shera goes to follow, but Drew sends him down outside. Drew begins to chop, and sends him on the rail. Once inside, Shera uses some bland clotheslines and a sky-high, though Drew’s saved by the bell. Once the seconds begins, Drew hits like he was injected with pure adrenaline. He throws Shera around. Shera tries, but is hit with the Claymore, and future shock to end the match.
Laurel wants lights. Trying to not say red ones. Sutter does the person misinterprets what he’s saying.
Gregory Shane Helms introduces TNA X-Division Champion Trevor Lee. He says, basically, that he’s the best of the division, and his team. But then Helms takes Andrew Everett to task for not making the most of his opportunities. Everett says he’s made sacrifices for the team, but they didn’t need Helms. This sees him beaten up by Helms & Lee.
Lashley and Edwards talk about Lashley’s brutal offense. Edwards says he will overcome this, and Lashley boasts he will retain.
The Hardys interact with fans before an ad for next week’s bout with Psicosis & Super-Crazy.
Lashley and Edwards main event. Lashley starts with a slight advantage, and goes to harass Mrs. Edwards, but Edwards flies out and brawls while chopping brutally. One back inside, Lashley delivers a spinebuster going into break. Back from break, after Lashley bashes the head of Edwards, he goes for a pin, but nothing. Lashley then stops away as we notice Davey’s nowhere. Edwards uses a desperation move before chopping both in & out of the corner. When Edwards goes to fly, he is set up for a powerbomb, but Edwards sends them both outside. Then Edwards then gets back in & flies. Bashing with the elbow, Edwards is then caught, and hit with the dominator. Lashley then looks to Mr. Edwards, and blows one kiss before taking the belt. Davey appears to grab it, leading to the blue thunder bomb by Edwards, But once again the battle goes outside. Edwards goes to the well one too many times, as he is suplexed. Once back inside, Edwards ducks the spear, and hits the Boston knee party. This sees the turn by Davey, who pulls referee Brian Hebner out of the ring as Angelina hits Mrs. Edwards. Lashley hits the spear to end the match. Afterwards, Angelina holds Mrs. Edwards while Davey attacks Eddie, who at one point asks what is wrong with Davey. This sees Davey use his belt to choke Edwards to end the show.
The turn everyone anticipated happened. The promos won’t do well, though the matches should be nice.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Impact Review 2/2/2016

Finally back. We’re Back. Now let's going so Bill Murray will get to go home were he belongs.
We see the men with briefcases, then the recap of Bobby Lashley regaining the TNA World Heavyweight Championship, then TNA World Tag Team Champions The Hardys arrive. First thing brings Broken Matt Hardy talking about the Seven Deities ordering them to get more gold. Matt talks about trying to get more Tag Team belts, and they must go to other teams. Then, “Brother Nero” Jeff Hardy talks about making his challenge at Lashley to be Champion. Out next Is Lashley, who says he doesn’t think The Hardys are stupid, and he’s up for anything they throw at him. Jeff says he doesn’t want an excuse. Lashley then says he has no problem defending now. Finding that both Lashley, & The Hardys are not to be challenged for their belts now tonight. Lashley uses a suplex, and aims for a spear, but Jeff gets out of the way, and takes things his way. Sending the bout outside, and Lashley takes brutality pretty well as he is smashed against the side of the ring & the rail. Jeff then hits a twist of fate, but Lashley promptly recovers, and powerbombs Jeff on the steps. Lashley bashes Jeff’s head against the steps twice going into break. Back from break, finding that both wrestlers are back inside. But we want to say we have in the Brown Bag a DVD with two greats in James Storm and Braden Walker. Jeff battles back against Lashley, then both the twist of fate & Swanton bomb. This sees Lashley kick out of it. Jeff hits it again, but Lashley puts his leg on the rope. The fight again heads outside, where Jeff uses the steps to dropkick Lashley, followed by Jeff bringing himself back inside to fly, but misses Lashley, who goes under the ring. Once back inside, Lashley hits the spear & retains. After the match, Eddie Edwards makes his way out to congratulate Lashley, and invoke his rematch at a later date. Lashley personally does not like being mocked, and goes off verbally before saying Edwards has one match.
Eli Drake and Tyrus are not saying who it is they’re challenging. We should let them know behind the scenes employees are not eligible.
We see last week Rosemary propositioned Brandi Rhodes…, To join The Decay. She tries again, but no.
Aron Rex & Rockstar Spud driving around. This better win the Gooker.
Brooke returns in a bout with Sienna. Brooke dominates early on, and pursues Maria, who seems to be wearing ill-fitting pants. This leads to Sienna using her power to throw Brooke around in and out. A distraction allows Sienna to use her wrist tape to strangle a bit. Sienna tries the AK-47, but Brooke reverses, and uses a few moves before putting in an inverted STF-like move. She then turns it into the neckbreaker. Brooke tries to head up to, but is distracted by Maria. This leads to the silencer to end the match.
The DCC are vague about who they’re challenging. We’ll guess Bram is challenging us for all those police jokes. Again, we’re not eligible.
Rex bringing wrestling back to the 1940’s.
The DCC want to wrestle The Decay in a falls-count-anywhere match. Everyone brawls to start. As Storm throws Abyss into the steps, Both Bram & Eddie Kingston beat up Crazzy Steve, who avoids a table. Storm hits Abyss in the head with a trashcan before Abyss brings both he & Bram down. Steve kepps them that way when he jumps off the stage. Once back in the ring, Abyss uses thumbtacks, and Steve has the barbed wire board. Abyss strips Kingston of his shirts to try to send him through the tacks, but he gets out of it and goes to fly, but TNA Knockout Champion Rosemary mists him, and he is send in. Storm hits Abyss with a bottle, and last-calls, bringing him into the board. Steve tries to hit Bram, but Storm kicks him, then Bram piledrives him through a table, which sees Storm get the pin.
A lot of photos, one’s on Mondays.
Braxton Sutter is being blackmailed into marrying Laurel Van Ness. Mike Bennett promised to throw the bachelor party. We want in. Gonna be great to be there.
TNA Impact All Seeing Owl Grand Champion Drew Galloway talks about saving the division when Moose emerges to talk about Drew using underhanded tactics twice to win it. Moose wants to fight, but Drew says he had his match. Drew says he already has an opponent, and tells Moose to leave. Drew’s going to be wrestling someone named Rob Ryzin. Drew slaps & kicks before tossing him around while Josh plugs Rudy with the calm natural tone of having someone’s revolver pointed at him. Drew uses the future shock to end it 2 minutes into the 1st.
Lee wants to wrestle TNA X-Division Champion DJZ in a ladder match despite DJZ’s injury. DJZ is presented as enough of a veteran to send Lee outside, and use the ladder to strike. DJZ’s offense is not too bad, but his leg is bashed against the side. Lee goes up the ladder, but is sent down by DJZ. When Gregory Shane Helms distracts, Lee strikes and goes up again. DJZ stops him, but his leg is attacked and bashed with the ladder. Lee stomps on the leg and tries to smash it with the ladder. DJZ stops it, but his attempt to end it sees both wrestling on the ladder. When Lee is downed with a ZDT, he goes up, not seeing Lee is given a weapon. Lee bashes the leg with his chair. Using both the chair and ladder, brutality is unleashed by Lee, who then gets the belt.
Robbie E interrupts Rex now, Rex will wrestle him next week.
Drake will still not say who he’s facing.
Drake has an opponent. Tyrus announces it will be Ethan Carter III. EC3 shows his bruise, then the brawl starts between him and Drake, who attacks the bruise into break. Back from break, both brawl outside as EC3’s side is hit further by Drake, who grabs a baseball bat. He strikes the injured area before bringing him back inside. Stomping on EC3, Drake then further strikes until EC3 begins to come back into this. Drake stays on him until EC3 uses a jackknife pin to win. After the bout, Drake attacks with his bat. The lights go out, and the DCC attack EC3, Drake, then Tyrus.
This week feels like WCW’s time waiting for the buyers, but the buyers have happened.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Impact Review 1/12/2017

We find the bastards that are helping are nuts. We suspect they had problems with the vacation they had implanted. This might be a dream.
After showing the win by TNA World Heavyweight Champion Eddie Edwards last week, we hear TNA World Tag Team Champions The Hardys talk about their intent on defeating both Edwards & Davey Richards later tonight. Fantastically bizarre, we’re glad these guys aren’t Gooker-nominated.
Ethan Carter III is here as we see Davey helping Edwards win on two nights. EC3 talks about wanting one match without interference. He then, as we see the new logo, he talks about the problem Davey started as he wants to see The Wolves. Bobby Lashley then emerges to mockingly ask EC3 about being interrupted. Lashley then says EC3 acting like a face is what cost EC3. Lashley says they both want the TNA Championship, he challenges EC3 to a Last Man Standing match. After they both mock Anthem’s All Seeing Owl, they brawl to possibly amuse it. The match begins before the break. Back from break, EC3 is on the stage while Lashley is in the ring.  Once EC3 enters, Lashley tries using the chair, but misses, leading to EC3 hitting a fast-paced assault. The brawl then heads outside, where Lashley uses punches, and the apron to daze EC3 enough to try a suplex through the table, but neither man does so. Instead, Lashley hits the running powerslam outside. EC3 is up at 5, leading to Lashley rolling him insid. As Lashley begins to climb the turnbuckle, EC3 sends him flying outside. A snap suplex by EC3 gives him time to get a second table. By 6, Lashley is up going into break #2. Back from break, EC3 sends Lashley down with both clotheslines and a splash before using a flapjack. EC3 tries the 1%er, but Lashley gets out and tries a spear. EC3 then gets out of the way and suplexes. This then sees EC3 hit a superplex. Lashley surges with adrenaline, and delivers a superplex of his own. When EC3 gets up, he is speared. He’s up at 5, and is speared again. Lashley brings a third table as EC3 is up at 9. Lashley sets it up in the corner. We get a yay/boo before Lashley hits the spinebuster. Lashley goes for one more spear, but is reversed into a 1%er, and speared through the table. Both respond before the count. EC3 inside, Lashley stumbling outside. EC3 follows and blasts with the chair. Lashley’s up at 7 thanks to the steps. EC3 then goes for a sleeper, which sends both men into the tables Lashley set up. Lashley barely is up at 9, but EC3 is up slightly too late. Both put on a great match, which is why we hope we don’t win the Gooker.
We see a man’s pinky-ring. This won’t do any good. Any bets on if it’s the infamous new gimmick everyone heard about are permitted.
Boy, Hulu doesn’t have any idea what they’re signing up for.
Feast or Fired with a new name.
Eli Drake seems to be Negan when he and Tyrus threaten someone to start reading a statement.
Rockstar Spud reads a statement before Aron Rex is introduced. Spud is dressed like his servant, Rex has a brutally white robe. Rex’s name is sung as he starts talking as stereotypically effeminate as possible. Basically, this reminds us of The Rainbow Express, a tag team that we had to book. Painful then, painful now. Robbie E mocks them and attacks, but they beat him down. Rex then beats him with his ring hand. We may hear everyone involved asking if Japan is an option.
The DCC talk about beating up The Decay. Bram remembers something other than his attorney’s number. Brilliant.
The Allie and Maria stuff keeps going and going and going and going.
The Decay vs. The DCC is next up. Both teams brawl to begin as Abyss works over Bram. Crazzy Steve attacks Eddie Kingston with his speed, but Bram has dealt with Abyss and uses the numbers to beat up Steve. Back to two, Bram slugs Steve before tagging in Kingston. Both use frequent tags before Steve tags in Abyss. After the hot tag, everyone brawls before they’re counted out. Despite this, they’re still brawling. Russo might be erect now.
The Wolves talk about teaming up. We think Davey is happy with Edwards’ success and will not be costing him the TNA Championship.
Returning KO you say? Who forgot her pay rate now? Guess.
TurboTax again after H&R Block. The Thursday Night Tax Wars.
Ok, it’s Brooke. No, not that one. She’s back to wrestling after having her kid. She hopes to be TNA Knockout Champion again.
Mike Bennett vs. Braxton Sutter is now up. Both lock-up to start before Sutter begins chopping, then clotheslining away. Sutter’s attack is not long, because Bennett sends him outside, and throws him between the rail and apron before trying a pin inside. Bennett’s chinlock is broken by Sutter, who uses right hands and a spinebuster. Sutter uses his agility to fly, but Maria’s distraction leads to Bennett hitting the MIP, then a piledriver at Maria’s orders. Allie then tries to tell her to stop, but she tries to have Allie see, but Bennett takes entirely too much time, as he’s pinned with a jackknife.
Bennett has given her an idea.
TNA Knockout Champion Rosemary is out to speak. She talks about being Champion, and who’s tried to stop her. Jade interrupts to say that the mist is why Jade doesn’t have the belt, now she wants a shot. Rosemary says it’s a death wish she is not denying, so long as it’s Monster’s Ball, to which Jade accepts. Afterwards, they brawl, which sends Rosemary running.
Next week is Race 4 The Case as it is now known.
The Hardys vs. The Wolves main events. Edwards starts battling Broken Matt Hardy. Both will swap working on the arm before Davey and “Brother Nero” Jeff Hardy tag in. They exchange holds before the double-team by The Wolves, leading Edwards tagging in. Edwards next is teamed up on by The Hardys keep tagging in and out going into break. Back from break, Edwards battles with Jeff, but needs to tag Davey in. Matt tags in and goes for a pin before Davey breaks it up. Edwards hits The Hardys with a hurricarana, and tags in Davey, who hits both with a suplex. Davey locks Matt in a figure-four. Jeff tries to stop it, but Davey additionally puts him in an ankle lock. Davey targets the leg of Matt before Edwards drags Matt into the post. Frequent tags bring both Wolves until settling on Davey. Matt brings Davey down, leading to Edwards and Jeff tagging in. Jeff hits a few of his Moves of Doom, but Davey breaks the pin attempt. Jeff uses the whisper in the wind on both before tagging in Matt, who tries a twist of fate before he is countered be Edwards. Jeff tries a Swanton bomb, but the knees of Edwards leads to an attempt to end the match, but Matt breaks up the pin. After a few near-finishes, Matt hits Davey with a twist of fate, bringing next the Swanton bomb. This does not end the match. Edwards goes after Matt, After this, Edwards tries to signal to Davey, but is caught by Matt, leading to a pin from Jeff to end the match.
Week 2 was not bad, unless you look at the bad repackaging, but that doesn’t even screw up the show now.