In a few hours, a group of people will be locked in a cage where they belong. However, the torture that will occur will be listening to the commentary. We will give our stone cold locks for WWE's Elimination Chamber Pay-Per-Vi... Network special. We would bore you, but we will get underway.
Neville vs. Bo Dallas
This is the feud of the year. Provided you're talking about last year, and only watched NXT. We sadly have a man that management is borderline about vs. a man they gave up on, and have brought back at random. We have to think that there is more to this than wasting time, but sadly, this will be the match the commentary talks over. We see this as a way to showcase Neville's abilities while also reminding us Bray Wyatt has a brother. Not much to say other than Neville will win an otherwise rushed-feeling match.
WWE Tag Team Championship Elimination Chamber Match
We have six teams in this match The New Day(C), The Lucha Dragons, The Primetime Players, Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, Los Matadores, and The Ascension. Usually tag team matches are what are put on between John Cena's match, and the current non-Cena management favorite's match. This is made even stranger by the fact that only two of these teams seem to have absolutely no shot. Los Matadores, while no-longer outed as Puerto Ricans, are hardly painted as anything more than a group of goofs outstaged by their mascot. They have become any college football team that makes headlines by beating the #1 team, then never doing anything again. While The Ascension look like a Mad Max cos-play that makes you yearn for the real thing. No, we haven't seen the new movie yet. Out of the teams that do, Swing Kidds just came off of a long reign, that leaves them out. Lucha Dragons have not been featured long enough to secure the belts, that leaves the Primetime Players. They have actually been positioned to take the straps later, but as it stands, that match needs build. Because of this, we can expect the team that snatched victory from the jaws of the Gooker to continue to clap along to the now-welcomed booing of the fans.
Winners: The New Day
WWE Diva Championship Triple Threat Match
Ok, who actually bought into the idea of Nikki Bella as a face? No one? Good. Between her actions as a heel, the way it's believed in real life she got the belt, and the lifelessness she brings to promos, it's obvious that this was a bigger bust than those old VHS rewinders video stores tried to sell you. The real question is who should lay on top of her in a manner that TAKES the belt from her. Paige has only been back a few weeks, but she seems ready to be the face Champion they tried, and failed, with Nikki. Problem is, there needs to be an interesting feud. The only one that makes fans want to pay to see it is Naomi. Naomi has taken a heel character based mainly on lifting her hands from her sides, to actually being entertaining. It took a while before there as someone she could actually be a heel against. The way we see it, Paige has Nikki RamPaiged before she gets tossed out to Tamina. We go from one Champion with annoying music to another. Just this one can wrestle.
John Cena vs. Kevin Owens
Given that Owens is being moved to the main roster while continuing his feud with the now motivated Samoa Joe, this can either mean he will shoot to the top quickly, or feud with a man dressed as a rabbit. We suspect Triple-H has Owens protected better than the President. With that being said, we have one of the old guard's guys facing one of the new guard's guys. This match will likely be building up to a match at Summerslam given no belts are on the line. But even with that being the case, we think they'll try to make the main roster belt look better than the developmental belt. Due to this, we think Cena will rally toward a win, only to get low-blowed by Owens. Owens will then pop up powerbomb him and step on the U.S. belt once again.
Winner: John Cena
WWE Intercontinental Championship Elimination Chamber Match
This is more of a game of who's got the right direction right now. Truth is about as lost as Vince is reading all the tweets he got the last two Rumbles. Barrett is all about being compared to Charlemagne and King Arthur. Ziggler is feuding with a now injured Rusev, who may be replaced by Bray Wyatt. Ryback seems to be in the Barrett territory of winning and losing meaningless matches. This leaves Sheamus to hold Rocksteady on his way to becoming Champion. The story is sadly written in his injuring the former champion Daniel Bryan. We imagine Ziggler will continue this feud depending on the status of Rusev, but said feud will end when the Bulgarian Brute returns to feud with Lana's new temporary associate.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
We actually don't mind how the Champion Seth Rollins has been booked. He's like 1997 Shawn Michaels in the sense that he kayfabe shouldn't win these matches, but either through the help of others or through his own cheating pulls out the win much to the anger of others. While he is heel enough, we think what would do it is re-gaining the Championship in true heel chicanery from Dean Ambrose. While the company has shown that the right thing can slip through their fingers, they can once or twice do something right. Given that it can help make Roman Reigns (Who is suspeciously absent so far), someone to cheer for by negating the Authority, as well as make the Network seem worth the $10 that could go to other wrestling-related things, it would be an interesting idea to have a new Champion crowned in the main event
Winner: Dean Ambrose
There you have it, out stone cold locks. Depending on how well we do here, we may try this again next month. Until then, try to enjoy the show.