Well tonight is a difficult night for us. Samoa Joe has his first match in WWE since leaving our weird place. He has done well for himself, but he didn’t get us jobs there like he kind of promised. We won’t let that get us down though. We will be somewhat impartial in our review.
Zack Ryder on a show where he can shine, yay. Mojo Rawley on a show where he can shine, damn. Their opponents this evening are Mike Ralis and Elias Samson. Rawley is so fidgety, we think his shirt should say stay coked. Ryder gets meaningful offense. Maybe he’s got a chance after all. Ralis and Samson have ability, but this match is meant for the new team on the show. Ryder and Rawley win with a double team Rough Ryder. A basic match, take or leave. Rob Gronkowski is in the stands. Should’ve brought Tom Brady given he has a bit of time to kill.
An ad for Finn Balor being part of WWE’s Japan show. We’re not sure we can be awake for that. Followed up by an ad for Daniel Bryan’s DVD. Another thing worth watching.
Dana Brooke hype video. She feeds off of negativity. On the main roster at this stage, she’ll be like Ryback then.
Emma arrives for her match wearing something we think she stole from Sasha Banks. Her opponent is the ever popular Blue Pants. Fans chanting “Happy Birthday” at her. Strange, when this was taped, it was Leva Bates’ birthday. Surely the two things aren’t related. Emma relentlessly attacks Blue Pants from the beginning. She uses punches and submissions. Blue Pants starts to battle back, but is cutoff by a sleeper hold. After Emma misses with an elbow, Blue Pants starts to bring the fight to her. But one missed kick leads to an inverted STF by Emma, leading to the win.
Enzo, Bib Cass, and Carmella are asked about next week’s six person tag against Blake, Murphy, and Bliss. Carmella says something we think is an insult. Enzo talks about Hunger Games and snowman. Big Cass says they have a 0% chance of success. The three of them wrote a Scott Steiner promo.
A random John Cena vs. Keven Owens ad. That’s not the Owens feud we intend to talk about.
Tyler Breeze comes out next. We find out one of the people supposedly sending him messages is Taylor Swift. Funny story, we heard Surge said to her she had no future in music years ago. We hope for his sanity that’s not true. Breeze faces Bull Dempsey. Between the stubble, and selling Bull, we think Breeze is going to be a replacement to Dolph Ziggler. Bull is in control at the start of this match, though the chants for Breeze are a bit louder, so we’ll say Breeze is a the default face here. Breeze runs away for a bit because Bull gets gassed. This leads to a “Car-Di-O” chant from the fans. We don’t like where this is going. Breeze manages to trick Bull in the ring for a beauty shot leading to the win. Breeze seems face-like, so we imagine he’s full face.
A recap of the fans showing Becky Lynch some much earned respect after her match a few weeks ago. She’s in action after the break.
Tough Enough. 38 non-wrestlers, and 2 that WWE forgot are wrestlers.
Becky facing, as Jojo Offerman calls, Jessie. Either she means Jessie McKay or Jesse Pinkman has resurfaced. After a brief exchange, Becky starts to gather momentum. Jessie battles back work the left arm of Becky. Jessie steals Becky’s taunt, but ends up nearly rolled-up. Jessie tries showboating again, and gets suplexed for her troubles. Becky then throws more legdrops than a Hulk Hogan lookalike contest. Eventually, Beck locks in her armbar for a well-deserved win.
NXT General Manager William Regal reveals that Owens will watch Joe’s match. Bull comes in eating a bag of chips. Guess they had a lot of fat jokes ready for Joe before they saw he got in proper shape. Poor Bull.
Jason Jordan talking about having a new tag team partner. Chad Gable keeps making his case despite being told no. Despite this, he puts his name on Jordan’s section of the locker room. Hope he likes feces in his bag.
Baron Corbin vs. Angelo Dawkins. After the brief chanting of the time, we hear chants of “Cor… In Sucks!” We think he needs to join the New Day. After a quick beatdown, Dawkins tries to stem the tide. Corbin comes back however and finishes him. Not much here. A very basic squash.
An ad for Money in the Bank sees Seth Rollins his case to be inserted into the match. Yet if we did that, everyone would mock us.
Owens says his mother said he was special. He doesn’t know that’s like being told bless your heart. Joe begins walking down to face Scott Dawson. As Joe assaults Dawson, Owens talks about his feud with Cena. Careful, as soon as management hears what you did, they may fix it. Despite Dawson briefly taking over, Joe rallies to hit his muscle buster to win. Owens goes to leave before Joe asks where he thinks he’s going. Joe says that after Owens said he would beat Joe, he walked away. Joe demands Owens faces him. Owens says he doesn’t want to have to hurt Joe after his first match, and he doesn’t think Joe should get a Championship match after one match. Everyone that remembers when Owens got his match knows how heelish he is. Regal agrees about Joe not beaing ready for a Championship match yet, but that Joe deserves a match next week. Owens will have a rough week next week.
We’ll let the Tweet of the night for NXT by @WheelerDeeler sum it up: It's weird on Paper you would have thought all the matches tonight would have been straight squashes To his point, the only match that seemed in doubt was Emma’s match. Not that there was a lack of quality, but this was more like a 1985 broadcast that one from 2015. Not a great show, but still, already the best WWE broadcast this week. Hopefully next week delivers more enjoyable bouts.