Tonight is Night of Champions, which is now to SummerSlam what Extreme Rules is to WrestleMania. For new fans, that means loads of meaningless rematches and many of you part-time heroes won’t be seen. This is where we predict which wrestlers are going to walk out winners, and which ones walk out Zack Ryder post February 2012. Here are our predictions as to who is who.
Pre-show Match: Neville and The Lucha Dragons vs. Stardust and The Ascension
This is likely a new theme where Stardust keeps teaming with guys management forgot even works there. Not much to say except that usually faces win here, and that’s what is going to happen. Stardust will keep losing to the point where he snaps back into being Cody Rhodes. This is just his way of finishing what he started.
Winners: Neville and The Lucha Dragons
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The New Day(C) vs. The Dudley Boyz
Simply put, The New Day are too good, and the Dudleys’ final reign is too big to have either one happen here. This needs to be saved for December, where the Dudleys can win the gold in a match they helped to innovate. Houston fans, “Don’t you dare be sowa”!
Winners: The New Day
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
This angle has destroyed three great wrestling stars and Summer Rae. While it is likely that Ziggler, spinning his wheels until a surprise heel turn, we think that it will wait until next month. Until then, Rusev will win in a weird manner that makes everyone still look like jokes
WWE Diva Championship Match: Nikki Bella(C) vs. Charlotte
Goldberg should’ve beaten Triple-H when it mattered. It doesn’t matter that he will be winning at the September PPV, the moment is as wasted as WWE’s booking team allegedly is.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Ryback(C) vs. Kevin Owens
Ryback has done a whole lot lately after finally facing The Big Show and The Miz. He’s had non-title matches against Seth Rollins and talked about his reading. Owens has been talked about highly for his winning the first match of a three match feud with John Cena. Between them, they don’t have a lot of support from the back, but Ryback has reigned for what is looked at by modern WWE as being a Savage reign, so we imagine Owens will get his turn “bringing prestige back to the Intercontinental Championship”.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and A Mystery Partner vs. The Wyatt Family
While it would be nice to see The Rock give another awkward rub, that won’t happen for some time. Until then, we expect either a local guy that they can call named Mark Henry, or maybe even Chris Jericho gets himself called to job to Ogre, Braun Strowman. 2/3 of The Shield will get a win eventually, but they need to make someone else look really strong.
Winners: The Wyatt Family
WWE United States Championship Match
Seth Rollins(C) vs. John Cena
Given Cena will have new shirts for his U.S. Championship reign, and he will need to be busy until January, where WWE sets up him vs. Reigns, there’s only two ways this ends: Cena wins by pinfall or Cena wins by submission.
Winner: John Cena
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Seth Rollins(C) vs. Sting
One’s in a situation where they need to win, the other’s in a situation where they can’t lose. Despite WWE having Sting win two matches in 20 minutes, they need to keep giving Rollins matches where he barely wins just so he is the fact who stands up to Triple-H while Steph is busy running both the Divas division, and charity into the ground. Prepare for Rollins next defense, it’s a doozy. Oh, and Sheamus will try to use his case, but will fail, looking stupid in the process.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Well those were fun. Maybe we should be doing this writing thing more often. Good luck tonight, and don’t get mad, get dangerous.