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Friday, May 1, 2015

Impact Review 5/1/2015

Back again for another Impact broadcast. We’ll let you in on a secret. Unlike RAW, which thanks to the constant need for e-writes that leave a pile of crumpled run sheets almost as high as Tommy DeVito’s snot-covered hotel towels, we just write one disjointed sheet and run with it. Maybe that’s why the quality’s there. We actually have to commit to our move. With WWE, unless the match or segment is happening on TV, they have the “My Finger’s Still on the Piece” mentality. Remember, commit to your stumbles. Speaking of which, the show’s starting. Hardcore Justice: The event that really sounded like a porn movie even before it had the “Core” added.

The Hardys and Davey Richards vs. Abyss, Manik, and Khoya. Jeff wants Khoya so bad, he'll wrestle in his current shape. #KayfabeFriday While the best streetfight of the week is a bit too high, this match does deliver the action that our hardcore matches are certain too. For the record, Al Snow on commentary sounds like he truly cares. Silly Abyss attacking with a pipe, Jeff is wrestling on a retconned bad leg. Tweet of the night is decided early. From @AlexTheGreatzz: All We Need Is @IMPACTWRESTLING To Replace Josh With Steve Blackman..#HeadCheese #DestinationIMPACT The more we watch, the more we should suggest Matt and Davey team up. This would lead to a feud Russo would write though, so maybe we should just go with Bromans. Jeff gets the pin on Abyss following a Swanton Bomb. James Storm comes out to tell Abyss he’s failed. Abyss can now turn and be our Kane all over again.

Josh Mathews and Snow, who’s got a sweet jacket, run down some of what we wrote for tonight. Trust us, it’s mostly good.

Mr. Anderson is dressed like  local perennial candidate for governor that you've ever seen. Fitting given he says he has an announcement to counter Ethan Carter III’s announcement from last week. We suggest watching a few Botchamanias during the segment.

This Xtrands ad has a woman that is so tanned, she's a reverse Paige.

Josh tells us Billy Corgin is now part of the creative team and that we've been mentioned on TV and the internet. While we do like being mentioned on the internet for reasons other than we haven’t paid the Kos for a few months, but Billy better not ban alcohol.

Mr. Anderson comes out to mock what EC3 announced last week. This brings the man, and his campaign sign Tyrus. Anderson comes off as unlikable as the 35-year old that makes passed-out woman jokes in the office. Anderson intends to end the streak. We’ve been told Roman Reigns will get the benefit anyway. EC3 accepts both the challenge of a match, and that the crowd will decide what kind of match. Remember to vote on the TNA App to decide the match.

Rockstar Spud vs. Mandrews vs. Tigre Uno vs. Kenny King in for the X-Division Championship. Mandrews breaks out a big gun early with a shooting star press to the outside. Spud selling a rib injury during this match leads Kenny to target the ribs. Though he’s #ToughEnough not to have to. Hearing Josh say “The Ultimate Underdog” leads us to hope we do not have to make Spud’s underdog stuff Cena/Rey style. Tigre Uno with a springboard Sin Caras 1, 2, and 3 couldn’t nail. King gets the win with help from Homicide. Boy we've had to make the X-Division Championship the town bike. Josh announces a preview of the network’s Hillbilly Blood. At least this is not a near half-hour preview of the Joe Schmo Show.

Back from commercial, and we now know what the stipulations are for next week. Anderson wants falls count anywhere, EC3 wants arm wrestling. EC3 may have trained on arm wrestling with Jeff Goldblum.A
A video of Eric Young’s mean streak brings us to a promo where he’s looking at the bright side of a non-title match with the Champion. Bret Hart should've felt the same way in 1993.

MVP Celebrates Kenny’s new reign as X-Division Champion while Low Ki shows off his Jedi skills with a lead pipe. They’re really making you forget this is a poor man’s Bullet Club.

Spud references X-Division greats like Jerry Lynn, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Austin Aries, and Frankie Kazarian. Not a good sign when only one of them still wrestles here. Regardless, he promises to get the Championship back.

Dollhouse segment looking like it was filmed from a Lexi Belle movie. Taryn saying "This is our house.” For some reason had us thinking of a strange series of words “Woah-Oh-Oh! Tear the stars out from the sky! Woah-Oh-Oh! Darkness falls I come alive! I've always been this way! I'll fly before I change! Woah-Oh-Oh! Tear the stars out from the sky!” What could this all mean is what we want to know.

TNA Knockout Champion Taryn Terrell with the Dollhouse vs. Brooke for the Championship. Taryn brings her ill-fitting music count to three. This match is more about setting up the new faction, and serves its point well. Snow channels Taz with a weird joke about the ring floor. Despite the Insipid Taz Commentary moment, Brooke battles back, and even takes out all three women with a splash. However, Jade is able to stop Brooke from ending the match, leading to an RKO/SKO #OuttaNowhere. The Dollhouse after their jawbreaker in the mouth of a downed opponent, ala Ted DiBiase with a hundred, get interrupted by Gail Kim asking about this new attitude. When Taryn says Gail’s all alone against three, Gail says she’s not alone. This brings out Awesome Kong. Between Taryn and Kong, they have attacked a former Intercontinental Champion and a Shock Jock whose wife felt the power of Hulkamania, Brother.

Slammiversary will take place in June. We're Running a PPV? We mean, We're Running a PPV.

Drew Galloway vs. Low Ki in a lead pipe on a pole match. Vince Russo will love this match. The pipe fell off early on. Hope no one is aware enough to spread that image on the internet. Watching this match, we remember that WWE had both of these guys, and completely screwed up with them. Both men are having a great hardcore match, which begs the question why we even had to have the pipe? Yeah it will come into play, but you’d think the rules would have teeth like Jess Weixler. Drew wins with a future shock on the chair. Which again, makes the pipe effectively meaningless. Out comes the respective groups for the schmozz. We really want to write an angle where Micah channels his dad and breaks police handcuffs.

A video of the brewing Storm/Magnus feud leads us to a DDP-shot video of Storm “running into” Mickie James and her son Donovan in a supermarket parking lot. We see the familiar cliché when he calls Magnus by Nick. This leads to Magnus in the ring arguing with Storm about trust. Basically, Storm is trying to say “I hit that first” while also implying that there may be an affair. The last time we ran with an angle like this, there was a Gooker involved.

TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle says Young should expect violence and will leave on a stretcher. So basically, a New Jack match.

Angle vs. Young in a stretcher match. Much like our casket match from 2013, this one is more of a bastardization. In order to win, one has to strap their opponent onto the stretcher. Both men exhibit the same daredevil attitude as threatening to go to GFW in order to get your paycheck. Angle even attempting a German Suplex off the apron. Eventually, Angle does show Young why he’s a former mayor of Suplex City. Even tossing Young in a way that removes a turnbuckle pad. Young needs a low blow with the Hammer Jammer to get out of it. Angle hits an Angle Slam on the outside. This leads to an attempt to end the match before Young gets out of it. He eventually uses the exposed turnbuckle and two piledrivers keep Angle down long enough to get the win. He celebrates with the Championship belt in a manner that says he can win the prize.

Next week is live, which means Destination America will censor 15 seconds before and after the swear word.

So ends Hardcore Justice. While we probably should’ve had it on the live broadcast next week, it still delivered an interesting broadcast. The Rising/BDC feud, as well as the Angle/Young feud, both made some great headway. Well we will be back on Wednesday for NXT. Until then, try not to throw a brick through your TV on Monday.

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