Well we were not reprimanded, so we think our first NXT review was a hit. Add this to the paychecks returning, and you can say this is a good day for us. Anyway, we not set our sights to Impact. We declared this a night for the knockouts, though we gave them only two matches, that’s still more than even NXT gives their division, that’s something, right? We would say strap yourself in, but this bus has no seatbelts, so try to go limp for tonight’s Impact.
So how do we start #NightOfKnockouts? With TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle and Eric Young of course Angle wants assurances he’s not facing the lunatic. He seems to really want back in WWE. He called Bobby Roode “Paul”. Anyway, after Young provides assurances he won’t be crazy, Money in the Ba… Feast or Fired briefcase holder Austin Aries says he’s cashing in his case, sending back a spot in line. Christy Hemme better not call Aries “Eric Young”.
TNA Knockout Champion Taryn Terrell sounds like an angry trophy wife fearing the upcoming 30th birthday divorce during her short promo about facing Awesome Kong later that night.
#1 Contender’s match up next Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love vs. Brooke vs. Madison Rayne. Angelina shows our creepy cameraman is back from NXT. Madison attacks Brooke like it was an entrance for WWF RAW for the original X-Box. All we need is 19 wrestlers coming out while someone yells out “INTERFERENCE”. Cut to commercial. Our #UniversalMoments bring nothing but pain. Back from break, and we have 4 women brawling. No Bella Twins commentary. Just a different lifeless person that cares a lot about how they look. Angelina and Madison start teaming up on Gail before Madison goes in for herself. Brooke throws a spear mid-way through. Given the spear she can throw, we need to teach her to go "OOOOOOOOO-WAH"! At one point all four with tight grip on each other. No, you are not watching a script based on WOWEFA. After everyone hits their finisher spot, Brooke wins. Sadly, she doesn’t bounce enough.
We get a promo from The Rising. We'd make fun of Micah, but after seeing him pull Dave Lagana's 1999 Toyota Avalon while the E-Brake was on, we won't. We feel so sorry for whichever Beat Down Clan member he faces after the break.
Back from break, Young is asked how he feels about the events from earlier. He then asks how we'd feel if everything was taken away, we work for a company that can die any day. So he’s preaching to a drunken choir.
So who will #StandUp and lose an eye against Drew Galloway's greatest weapon. MVP acts like it’s him, but Kenny King steps up to the executioner. Josh Mathews references Haku. The man that can crush coal into a diamond between his toes. The Rising get ejected to the back. Despite this, Micah still provides a challenge to the BDC. Overcoming constant interference from the rival group. Micah gets a win with a Samoan Drop. He can beat a wrestler with a set-up move. He’s that badass. A post-match brawl sees Homicide making use of a collapsible nightstick. And once again, the nWo… Immortal… The Aces & 8s… Bullet Club… BDC. Yeah, that’s right, BDC stands tall.
An ad for The Ultimate Fighter reminds us of one of the things we’ll never miss about Spike TV.
We’ll let Justin describe Drew’s promo: Pole match? Whoever came up with that may get Impact thrown off of Destination America.
The Dollhouse debuts. They’re gimmick is essentially Bayley if she tried PCP. We were not supposed to acknowledge Mia Yim, now known as Jade, is facing Cherrry Bomb. Josh will be Re-Neducated. Basically a debut squash for almost all of it until Marti Bell attacks Brian Stiffler, causing “Laura Dennis” to win by DQ after. Then Marti attacks Christy for announcing the winner. There is no excuse for doing anything to her for not using your name. We call this the A Double rule.
After the break, Angle tries to talking to Young. We can safely say this is a great way to be covered in your own blood and fish guts. For now, Young walks away.
Magnus introduces his fiancé Mickie James. He says she is one of the greatest womens wrestlers of all time, so Bram may not be done. Mickie basically says that she wants to focus on being a mother. A heartfelt moment before James Storm walks out. Storm says there’s no crying in wrestling. Explain Big Show. Storm says that Mickie can’t retire. Storm wants one more match. Another person screwed by Orton. We sense a Storm-Magnus feud. A shame Mrs. Storm is not a trained wrestler. Of course, that never stopped Adam “Pacman” Jones from becoming Tag Team Champion.
During the break, Davey Richards says Storm is the devil. But he looks too much like redneck Jesus.
Davey, currently flying solo while Eddie Edwards heals his heel now facing Storm running buddy Manik, who seems to have found an alien symbiote. At one point, Davey manages to avoid an armbar, something we suspect would have Ronda Rousey say “Try that with me” after asking “What the hell am I watching?” Davey’s hard hitting, but still agile arsenal meshes well with Manik’s high flying style. After Davey gets the win, Abyss and Khoya run-in to before the Hardys stop them. Khoya’s bull tattoo suggests a new gimmick.
Ethan Carter III explains that his campaign #EC32015 will be as remembered as VJ Day. Fun fact: Rhode Island still celebrates VJ Day. They should love the shout out.
EC3 starts his promo with a JFK impression. No doubt making our cohorts back in the Panda offices say “Don’t look at me.” EC3 declares himself the next World Heavyweight Champion in what seems more like a presidential campaign. Can we vote for him instead? He will cause unemployment and the level of millennials to drop. Vince wants to vote for him. Mr. Anderson Comes down to rain on the parade. So basically I’s nothing new. Anderson says you don’t win World Heavyweight Championships through Politics. Somewhere, Triple-H is laughing his ass off. After a brief brawl, EC3 escapes the ring after a segment with him proving he’s the greatest thing WWE let slip away in years.
Video promo for Taryn vs. Kong takes us to commercal. Say what you will about the angle, but we started to re-learn how you do a video package.
Taryn vs. Kong is not the match to watch if you're a Scot or a radio personality. Taryn demands it be made a no-DQ match. Great talent, but her promos are as genuine as those from The New Day. Hard hitting action with Taryn understandably playing an underdog. Josh hypes up two of the networks shows. Boy this network has a lot of redneck shows. The Dollhouse comedown. No doubt we will have yet another dominating heel stable. We think managements wants this place to die. Taryn proclaims "This is our house". We're trying to get them to wear the Dr. Martens.
Aries explains why he cashed in, which had Young staring a hole through him like he spoiled the twist from last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. Surely the 6 minutes we have left is plenty of time.
Guest tweet of the night comes from @GamerGuyJames: -@realjoshmathews makes me wish for a Mike Adamle, Byron Saxton, Michael Cole booth
Speak of the Josh, he talks about what we just saw before we cut to Magnus asking someone to follow his wife. “Dear Red Shoe Diaries”…
Angle vs. Aries never even started. Young New Jack’s Aries. Angle attempts to keep the peace before Young focuses his frustration on him with an attack on Angle’s left leg and a chair, then a figure-four with the Hammer Jammer.
Next week has Viewer Discretion advised. So Kimberly Kane will relent to our requests and host. Or we do Hardcore Justice. Either way.