Well we were not reprimanded, so we think our first NXT
review was a hit. Add this to the paychecks returning, and you can say this is
a good day for us. Anyway, we not set our sights to Impact. We declared this a
night for the knockouts, though we gave them only two matches, that’s still
more than even NXT gives their division, that’s something, right? We would say
strap yourself in, but this bus has no seatbelts, so try to go limp for tonight’s
Impact.
So how do we start #NightOfKnockouts? With TNA World
Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle and Eric Young of course Angle wants assurances
he’s not facing the lunatic. He seems to really want back in WWE. He called
Bobby Roode “Paul”. Anyway, after Young provides assurances he won’t be crazy,
Money in the Ba… Feast or Fired briefcase holder Austin Aries says he’s cashing
in his case, sending back a spot in line. Christy Hemme better not call Aries “Eric Young”.
TNA Knockout Champion
Taryn Terrell sounds like an angry trophy wife fearing the upcoming 30th
birthday divorce during her short promo about facing Awesome Kong later that
night.
#1 Contender’s match up next Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love vs.
Brooke vs. Madison Rayne. Angelina shows our creepy cameraman is back from NXT.
Madison attacks Brooke like it was an entrance for WWF RAW for the original
X-Box. All we need is 19 wrestlers coming out while someone yells out “INTERFERENCE”.
Cut to commercial. Our #UniversalMoments bring nothing but pain. Back from
break, and we have 4 women brawling. No Bella Twins commentary. Just a different
lifeless person that cares a lot about how they look. Angelina and Madison start
teaming up on Gail before Madison goes in for herself. Brooke throws a spear
mid-way through. Given the spear she can throw, we need to teach her to go
"OOOOOOOOO-WAH"! At one point all four with tight grip on each other.
No, you are not watching a script based on WOWEFA. After everyone hits their
finisher spot, Brooke wins. Sadly, she doesn’t bounce enough.
We get a promo from The Rising. We'd make fun of Micah, but
after seeing him pull Dave Lagana's 1999 Toyota Avalon while the E-Brake was on,
we won't. We feel so sorry for whichever Beat Down Clan member he faces after
the break.
Back from break, Young is asked how he feels about the
events from earlier. He then asks how we'd feel if everything was taken away,
we work for a company that can die any day. So he’s preaching to a drunken choir.
So who will #StandUp and lose an eye against Drew Galloway's
greatest weapon. MVP acts like it’s him,
but Kenny King steps up to the executioner. Josh Mathews references Haku. The
man that can crush coal into a diamond between his toes. The Rising get ejected
to the back. Despite this, Micah still provides a challenge to the BDC. Overcoming
constant interference from the rival group. Micah gets a win with a Samoan
Drop. He can beat a wrestler with a set-up move. He’s that badass. A post-match
brawl sees Homicide making use of a collapsible nightstick. And once again, the
nWo… Immortal… The Aces & 8s… Bullet Club… BDC. Yeah, that’s right, BDC
stands tall.
An ad for The Ultimate Fighter reminds us of one of the things
we’ll never miss about Spike TV.
We’ll let Justin describe Drew’s promo: Pole match? Whoever
came up with that may get Impact thrown off of Destination America.
The Dollhouse debuts. They’re gimmick is essentially Bayley
if she tried PCP. We were not supposed to acknowledge Mia Yim, now known as Jade,
is facing Cherrry Bomb. Josh will be Re-Neducated. Basically a debut squash for
almost all of it until Marti Bell attacks Brian Stiffler, causing “Laura Dennis”
to win by DQ after. Then Marti attacks Christy for announcing the winner. There
is no excuse for doing anything to her for not using your name. We call this
the A Double rule.
After the break, Angle tries to talking to Young. We can
safely say this is a great way to be covered in your own blood and fish guts.
For now, Young walks away.
Magnus introduces his
fiancé Mickie James. He says she is one of the greatest womens wrestlers of all
time, so Bram may not be done. Mickie basically says that she wants to focus on
being a mother. A heartfelt moment before James Storm walks out. Storm says
there’s no crying in wrestling. Explain Big Show. Storm says that Mickie can’t
retire. Storm wants one more match. Another person screwed by Orton. We sense a
Storm-Magnus feud. A shame Mrs. Storm is not a trained wrestler. Of course,
that never stopped Adam “Pacman” Jones from becoming Tag Team Champion.
During the break, Davey Richards says Storm is the devil. But
he looks too much like redneck Jesus.
Davey, currently flying solo while Eddie Edwards heals his
heel now facing Storm running buddy Manik, who seems to have found an alien
symbiote. At one point, Davey manages to avoid an armbar, something we suspect
would have Ronda Rousey say “Try that with me” after asking “What the hell am I
watching?” Davey’s hard hitting, but still agile arsenal meshes well with Manik’s
high flying style. After Davey gets the win, Abyss and Khoya run-in to before the Hardys stop them. Khoya’s bull
tattoo suggests a new gimmick.
Ethan Carter III explains that his campaign #EC32015 will be
as remembered as VJ Day. Fun fact: Rhode Island still celebrates VJ Day. They should
love the shout out.
EC3 starts his promo with a JFK impression. No doubt making
our cohorts back in the Panda offices say “Don’t look at me.” EC3 declares
himself the next World Heavyweight Champion in what seems more like a
presidential campaign. Can we vote for him instead? He will cause unemployment
and the level of millennials to drop. Vince wants to vote for him. Mr. Anderson
Comes down to rain on the parade. So basically I’s nothing new. Anderson says
you don’t win World Heavyweight Championships through Politics. Somewhere,
Triple-H is laughing his ass off. After a brief brawl, EC3 escapes the ring
after a segment with him proving he’s the greatest thing WWE let slip away in
years.
Video promo for Taryn vs. Kong takes us to commercal. Say
what you will about the angle, but we started to re-learn how you do a video
package.
Taryn vs. Kong is not the match to watch if you're a Scot or
a radio personality. Taryn demands it be made a no-DQ match. Great talent, but
her promos are as genuine as those from The New Day. Hard hitting action with
Taryn understandably playing an underdog. Josh hypes up two of the networks
shows. Boy this network has a lot of redneck shows. The Dollhouse comedown. No
doubt we will have yet another dominating heel stable. We think managements
wants this place to die. Taryn proclaims "This is our house". We're trying
to get them to wear the Dr. Martens.
Aries explains why he cashed in, which had Young staring a
hole through him like he spoiled the twist from last night’s Grey’s Anatomy.
Surely the 6 minutes we have left is plenty of time.
Guest tweet of the night comes from @GamerGuyJames: -@realjoshmathews
makes me wish for a Mike Adamle, Byron Saxton, Michael Cole booth
Speak of the Josh, he talks about what we just saw before we
cut to Magnus asking someone to follow his wife. “Dear Red Shoe Diaries”…
Angle vs. Aries never even started. Young New Jack’s Aries. Angle attempts to keep the peace before Young focuses his frustration on
him with an attack on Angle’s left leg and a chair, then a figure-four with the Hammer
Jammer.
Next week has Viewer Discretion advised. So Kimberly Kane
will relent to our requests and host. Or we do Hardcore Justice. Either way.
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