Bad PPV Summer: TNA #1

Well it’s a weird party here. 13 years ago, TNA held its first show. Seems like yesterday that the creative braintrust asked us to write things fans hate. Well we will look back at how everything started. Will this event live up to the hight standards of fans? Let’s look.

The opening presents a heritage feel that will be killed quickly. Jeremy Borash introduces Don West, who introduces Ed Ferrara, who kills the pun. Mike Tenay, who is already at the table, says legends wil be honored, and in a battle royal disguised as a gauntlet will be held to crown the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. This is rumored to be because is because of real life heat between Dan Severn and Sean Waltman. Yep, that’s the reason.

Borash, looking like a fresh faced kid before he was screwed up, introduces the legends. Harley Race. Ferrara asks is he’s wrestling tonight. For many wrestlers sake, no. Dory Funk Jr. is next, followed by Jackie Fargo, “Bullet” Bob Armstrong, Corsica Joe and Sarah Lee, NWA Sr. Vice President Bill Behrens, and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Ferrara says Steamboat must like holding that belt again. Um, Ed. Steamboat held the same belt your friend killed twice. Steamboat talks about the prestige of the NWA Championship, as well as the 20 wrestlers that will be facing off for it. Steamboat says he will be the special guest referee, which brings out Jeff Jarrett, looking like he’s trying to start a boy band. Jarrett is angered about the idea of winning the NWA Championship in a Russo-style match. Fargo tells him to shut up, and that Jarrett will enter the match. If Harley told Jarrett to shut up, you better believe Jarrett would not talk about winning the match after. Ken Shamrock then agrees with Jarrett, except who’s winning. This overbooked segment, thanks to the infamous Cheex breaking the ring, continues with Scott Hall in less-than-better days also agreeing the match sucks. If they agree, then why have the match? Hall then takes his turn saying he’s Spartacus before Jarrett leaves.

Goldylocks introduces fans to Puppet the Psycho Dwarf. Yeah, we know. He starts rambling about midget blood before Jarrett runs by.

This first match has cage dancers in the background. Fitting that AJ Styles, Low Ki, and Jerry Lynn in action while legends watch. Also fitting for this promotion that a team known as The Flying Elvis Impersonators of Jorge Estrada, Sonny Siaki, and Jimmy Yang. Tenay basically says the X-Division is not based on weight divisions. The faces attempt a handshake, the Elvii attempt an assault. Styles starts with Yang, no doubt hoping he never dresses this stupid again. Styles and Yang exchange offense before Lynn tags in and tilt-a-whirls Yang. After Yang comes back, he tags in Siaki. The high-flying resumes as both men jockey for position. Low Ki tags in before Siaki gains momentum. Siaki pulls down his Elvis shirt as if pulling down the straps. Estrada, trained by Dusty Rhodes, tags in. He uses a turnbuckle neckbreaker to his advantage, but Low Ki battles back to tag Styles in. At the same time, Yang tags in. Styles uses an inverted DDT, and attempts a German suplex to gain momentum. Low Ki and Estrada tag in before we get and everyone hits a signature spot before a miscommunication helps the Elvii win. Styles first match here, like his last match, ends in an overbooked mess.

More dancing.

Up next is a “midget match”. Teo vs. Hollywood. No, Hulk Hogan’s not killing this place yet. Teo dominates early on with a headbutt to the groin, and a 10-punch. Teo is a Rey Mysterio fan. A wrestler he sees eye-to-eye with. Hollywood starts to come back, even splashing off the turnbuckle. Teo however battles back, and finishes with an elbow that’s not bad. Not good either.

More dancing while Tenay talks about the website.

Don and Ed introduces the women in next week’s lingerie battle royal. Francine (Wearing an all-too-tight dress), Miss Joanie, Daffney (Known here as Shannon) Alexis Laree (Mickie James before riding a train), two women we don’t know Sundown and Erin, Elektra, Taylor Vaugn (Former one-appearance in the WWF B.B.), Teresa Jordan. We had to look half the names up thanks to Don being nervous. Francine then talks about being extreme while asking what the other women did. Elektra says this is a new promotion, and claims Francine caused ECW's bankruptcy. Guess Paul Heyman took the fall for her. This then the two of them brawl before Elektra’s shirt rips. Francine says she’ll do that to all of them as she becomes Miss TNA. Time well wasted before more softcore dancing.

Goldylocks interviews Mortimer Plumtree talking about bringing in a team that owes him. He then looks like David Hyde Pierce before saying the Johnsons are on the way. We imagine Rocky and Dwayne are not them.

Here are the Johnsons. They look like literal chodes in their suits. They face pre-murderer James Storm, dressed like a cowboy flasher and shooting off cap guns, and pre-grand theft auto Psychosis.  Johnson starts with Psychosis. Psychosis uses agility while Storm dropkicks. For some reason, Alicia Webb walks down. Storm tags in and gets thrown around while Ferrara makes dick jokes. We hated having to write these names. Tenay reveals Psychosis’ real name. Go ahead Tenay and refer to Taker as Mark. Psychosis tags in and gets brutalized while we wish we could see Dr. Death Steve Williams drop him on his head again. Psychosis counters and tags in Storm. The rally is brief before the Johnsons double team. Plumtree grabs Storm’s leg, preventing him from getting offense before Niles Crane’s dick joke team wins. The referee pays Alicia like she’s a woman of the night.

Goldylocks interviews the Dupps. Stan, and Bo. An ECW gimmick that went bad, now made worse with a sister girlfriend named Fluff Dupp. They’re told not to drink. But like us after 45 minutes of this, drink anyway.

Hermie Sadler and Sterling Marlin are introduced for the next what have you. Borash asks Marlin, who talks like Boomhauer. Before Hermie can spean, Ron “K-Krush” Killings interrupts and says they have no business being in the ring. We hope he remembers that when he’s tagging with Pacman. He does when he insinuates his people are basketball and football players. Guess we know who’s the face here in Alabama. Killings tries to attack Sadler before Brian Christoipher makes the save.  We hope this segment ends before we get even more uncomfortable with the decisions we mak… Brian is saying words like “your kind” and “my kind”. At least he didn’t say “You people can’t be World Heavyweight Champion.”

More skanks.

Jarrett is now attacking Fargo while #HardBodyRef stops him.

Christian York and Joey Matthews vs. the Dupps. ECW’s real one night stand is here. The Dupps team up on Matthews because they know Matthews going to beat the WWE World Heavyweight Champion one day. Despite some offense by York, the Dupps have the advantage. Eventually, one half of J&J is able to get York in. York is able to keep the momentum rolling when Matthews gets the future Trevor Murdoch out. However Fluff Dupp helps her team win.

When the skanks “entertain” the fans, we get a clip of GFW’s Toby Keith’s song “How Do You Like Me Now”. The strange thing is this is the actually welcomed after the first half of this show. Oh, he’s singing? F---in’ God D---it! Well putting boots in asses is something we want to do to the people. That. Booked. This… Wait… Anyway, Jarrett interrupts the song to enter the main event for the NWA Championship. In any instance, who’s he facing first? Goodie, it’s Buff Bagwell. The two brawl before Bagwell is tossed like a Tacoma crowd booed him. Jarrett now faces Lash LaRoux. Are we sure this is not an old Nitro now? They go through the ropes and brawl before Jarrett brings him in and eliminates him after the stroke. Gotta love being your own boss. Norman Smiley is out next. A former WCW Hardcore Champion, and former backyard wrestling World Heavyweight Champion takes the fight to Jarrett before stroke, elimination. Who’s next in the proverbial BJ match? Puerto Rican star Apollo. Apollo is in the driver’s seat. He even makes Jarrett sell possibly being eliminated. He’s also the first one to last 90 seconds with Jarrett. K-Krush enters next. Hopefully he doesn’t tell Tenay “Puerto Ricans are lazy Michael.” They team up to attack Apollo as James Mitchell leads Slash down to the ring. Slash falls victim to Apollo starting to battle back. Jarrett then prevents Apollo from being eliminated. Del Rios, looking ready to film Big Poppa Pumpa: A Parody. After a bit of offense by Rios, the heels team up to beat him down. Jarrett and Killings try to eliminate Apollo before he powers out. Up next is Justice. He looks like Abyss and Joseph Park’s brother. He handles himself pretty well in this match so far. Konnan emerges next. He takes the fight to everyone in this match before Slash stomps him down. Apollo again avoids elimination as Joel Gertner introduces Rainbow Express member Bruce. He doesn’t do much early on, as Apollo dominates. Rick Steiner is out next. He seems to really hate Rios. Steiner uses a T-Bone suplex to eliminate Slash. He also eliminates Justice not long after that. Malice emerges with tattoos that indicate too much time on his hands. He chokeslams several people before sending out Bruce, Killings, Rios, and Konnan. After a brief period, Steiner’s out next. Scott then brawls with Jarrett and Malice. Hall hits the Razor’s Edge he’s been saving since 1995. Keith comes out and takes Jarrett to suplex city. He and Hall eliminate Jarrett before simply leaving. Toby Keith: “Always imitated, never eliminated”. Hall and Apollo chop Malice before knock knock Chris Harris enters before Vampire Warrior, the former Gangrel, jumps the gun and attacks Harris. Next out is Devon “Crowbar” Storm. The fans bellow out “Crowbar” while he attacks Harris with chops. Harris fights back to avoid elimination. Next out is Steve Corino attacking Storm and Vampire Warrior, and inverted atomic dropping Harris. Mitchell hands Malice some sort of weapon. Hall fighting to avoid elimination from Vampire Warrior and Storm. Shamrock is next out. He battles several people before Malice slams him down. All of the brawls now involve elimination directly. Brian is next down. Brian eliminates Harriss, Vampire Warrior, and Storm right away, and Corino not long after that. Shamrock sends Brian out. We hope he gets a bonus. Malice sends out Apollo. Shamrock waits until Malice eliminates Hall. Now it is a pinfall or submission match for the NWA Championship. Shamrock, with weird sideburns, is dominated early on by Malice. These power moves are not gruesome, but that’s all we’ll say. Shamrock ducks a clothesline, and reverses a chokeslam into an armbar. Malice technically taps, but Steamboat doesn’t count it. Malice reaches the rope, the hold must be broken. After a quick brawl, Shamrock uses an ankle lock. He crawls desperately to the ropes before Shamrock pulls him back in the middle. Malice again makes it to the rope. After Steamboat gets in Shamrock’s face, Shamrock breaks the hold. Shamrock targets the leg with kicks before Malice kicks Shamrock. When Malice attempts to use his big chokeslam, Shamrock reverses with a belly-to-belly to get the pin. Shamrock shakes hands with the legends. Ed makes a Special Olympics joke. Did we say we hate him? We then see Jarrett and Keith arguing about which shade of green works for a promotion before Jarrett walks back out. He attacks Armstrong and Funk, but knows to leave Harley alone. Fargo brings security with him and offers to fight next week. We see Keith and Hall end this overbooked night of action. The way most shows end.

The first TNA show had the same post-generation X management philosophy that WWE was struggling with at the time as well. Within a year, things would get better, and would make the place the rival WWE needed. At least until Hogan arrived, but that’s another story. Until next week.