Well it's Summerslam, and WWE has decided it needs to be WrestleMania. 4 hours of part time guys and wrestling celebrities. Seems like TakeOver will have no problem outdoing it. In any instance, we shall go over who we think will emerge the winners of the different matches on this show. So let us get on with this.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Prime Time Players(C) vs. Los Matadores vs. The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day
This match seems destined to be bumped down to the pre-show. It realistically boils down to the Champions, the future holders, and the two teams that are there to be foil. The New Day have one more good run with the gold before they snap. We think it will happen when they isolate the only team here who's act is more stale than the donuts at what our bosses call catering.
Winners: The New Day
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Ryback(C) vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show
The match that would not die. WWE seems determined to have this match happen, even if Ryback breaks his arm, Miz tears an ACL, and Big Show gets arrested for turning face and heel on a cop during a traffic stop. As much as we like the idea that Miz has been made too much into a joke that no one will suspect him winning, this is more their match to make Ryback. He will likely be the one to retire Big Show. Hopefully, by choice.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
Given how WWE is rumored to have cooled on Lana like Mr. Burns once he saw a hero dog on TV, we are suspecting that this may give Rusev more time to gloat about turning Summer Rae into a new version. We think Ziggler will get his chance at redemption next month. But for now, Rusev is still looking like less of a midcarder.
Stephen Amell & Neville vs. Stardust & King Barrett
There is a wrestler/celebrity face team vs. a heel/heel jobber team. What's strange is that there is excitement and optimism given that Amell is actually a fan. This match seems like the undoing of the Stardust persona. We fully expect he will melt down after the match and attack Barrett. Not sure if this will somehow make Barrett a face, but he already gets beaten by everyone anyway
Winners: Stephen Amell & Neville
Elimination Tag Team Match: Team PCB vs. Team Bella vs. Team B.A.D.
Nikki Bella actually had to job this past Monday. This means she'll get her win back to even things out. We think that PCB will be eliminated first so that B.A.D. member Sasha Banks will be presented as fighting hard despite giving almost everything the night before. We truly hope this match builds up to Nikki actually defending her belt, and losing it BEFORE reaching AJ Lee's record. We get it, you guys hate her husband.
Winners: Team Bella
Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens
One's a former ROH star, the other pisses off management because they have to push them. Cesaro has been hot lately given large sections of the arena will have signs for him. Owens will be giving everything to validate himself after a big loss last night, but we think that despite how much Dunn wants to undercut NXT, that the grueling ladder match will take too much out of Owens for him to win.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
We thought we are predicting Summerslam 2015. Regardless, this is an easy one for us. Sheamus has the Money in the Bank contract, which means for a while, he'll be on his back more often than a ring rat in 1988. While Sheamus will use the case successfully at some point, he will be losing. A lot.
Winner: Randy Orton
Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper
WWE has a hot young face in a big match, so naturally he will turn later. That being said, we think that this will be the match to end Reigns' feud with Wyatt for a new feud with Ambrose. We just need to have the friendship presented a little bit more before the break.
Winners: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose
WWE World Heavyweight Championship/WWE United States Championship: WWE Champion Seth Rollins vs. US Champion John Cena
We have another easy pick based on one thing: Cena's shirt. They need to sell a s---load of 15X shirts before they can make any 16X shirts. We imagine that Rollins will have to be presented as needing help, at least until Summerslam host Jon Stewart bans whoever The Authority brings in to help. Then Rollins will need a ref bump, a hit with the Championship, AND a low-blow to win. Setting up for a rematch next month.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
We are not here to discuss whether a year and a half ago should've happened, nor are we here to discuss what may happen next year. We are here to discuss what we think will happen here. There are rumors that WWE will try to turn Taker. We can tell you if they try that, it will be as big a failure as the last two Royal Rumbles. We think that either Kane will try to help, leaving Taker refusing the help, or Sting (Or Heath Slater as Sting) will prevent another shot to the groin by Taker. This will give Taker someone to battle until he can get his win back at WrestleMania. Though we think there may still be a possibility Taker becomes the 1 in 4-1 (Kurt Who?).
Winner: Brock Lesnar
Well those are our predictions for Summerslam. We shall see how they hold up. Hope you either enjoy Summerslam, or don't shame it too much.