We survived another year, this time we have someone stupid
enough to pay us again.
We see profiles of Matt Hardy, Ethan Carter III, Bobby
Lashley, an Eric Young. Mainly Matt and EC3. Wonder who’s fighting to be TNA
World Heavyweight Champion. Oh hey, Billy did the song we muted.
Dixie says we had actually chosen PopTV. Hahahahahaha. It’s
like choosing to breath to not die. She talks about the TNA Championship, which
leads to EC3 saying “we’re live pal”, and having a Festivus airing of grievances.
He makes the points that Dixie doesn’t want him to be Champion, and he will be
winning. Dixie says EC3 robbed Matt, which leads to Matt. Matt says that EC3
robbed the fans, and that Matt will be the winner. Young jumps Matt. Finally,
some action. We thought this was still the Days of our Lives rerun. EC3, Young,
and Tyrus beat Matt until Lashley makes the save. Then Matt brawls with Young
while EC3 and Tyrus fight Lashley going into break. Oh look, Michael Ian Black
is still alive, and Robert DeNiro’s career is barely. Back from break, Lashley vs.
EC3.
Lashley starts with power while wearing a headband. He then
spears EC3 out of the ring. Tyrus prevents Lashley from bringing EC3 back in. EC3
then keeps himself out of the ring to regroup. Once back in, EC3 is able to
send Lashley out for Tyrus to funk him up. Josh Mathews makes a bad segue to
Eugene Levy’s Living Hell on PopTV. As EC3 beats on Lashley, we hear he doesn’t
get ready, he stays ready. Wait until he teams with Robbie E. Lashley uses a
strength advantage to deliver his spinebuster, but EC3 quickly resumes his
assault. After Lashley kicks out of a TKO, he running powerslams EC3. He tries
again, but Tyrus gets on the apron. Lashley knocks him down, but EC3 uses a
roll-up with tights to advance.
Going into the break, we see Kurt Angle ready to announce WWE
may not be interested.
A Miracle? Who is disappointing tonight.
TNA Whatever It Is This Week Champion. Bobby Roode has
issued a challenge to anyone from anywhere. Surely he has Cena running.
Angle says he’s been blessed to have won Olympic and
professional gold, and he couldn’t have done it without the fans. He is honored
every time he walks through to the ring. He says he’s having a retirement tour,
and says the wrestlers he faced, and the guys he will face. Starting with Drew
Galloway. Drew walks out and says the kid in him likes the frosting of Angle,
while the adult in him likes the wheat of Angle. Drew goes to speak more, but
Jesse Godderz interrupts, but interruptception has Eli Drake belittling him. Drake
talks trash about Jesse, TNA World Tag Team Champions The Wolves, and Drew.
Angle brings the interruption to an end by challenging Jesse and Drake. A brawl
between all four men breaks out. Leading to Angle with an ankle lock on Jesse
while Drew claymores Drake.
Jeff Hardy Painted His face in order to tell Jeremy Borash
Matt’s ok. This happened.
Young in the ring says that Matt won’t be here. Matt emerges
and gives a “BAAAAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP”! Once in the ring, Matt dominates,
leading to a Flair flop by Young. Once Young gets on offense, he targets the
neck, and brings Matt outside. Young delivers a back suplex on the steps before
bringing Matt back inside, he continues to attack the neck. Matt starts to
build back up to a yay/boo. Matt then uses a series of elbows before hitting a
bulldog. Matt rallies and tries for a twist of fate, but Young sends them both
outside. After the big piledriver on the outside by Young, Matt is promptly
checked by Jeff, but Young attacks him as well. Young brings Matt back into the
ring, and attempts to fly, but Matt hits a twist of fate to win. A true
surprise that Matt and EC3 will be wrestling tonight.
Someone is walking around the back. Whoever it is likely
tried everywhere else.
We see Young pissed, and EC3 taunting Jeff. Jeff says Matt
will be the new Champion.
Roode next emerges to find out who he’ll face in his U.S.
Open Challenge. It will be Bram. After the initial brawl between Bram and what
year it is, Roode finds Bram is a challenge. Roode uses a clothesline to drop
Bram like domestic abuse charges. Roode tries for a Roode bomb, but Bram
reverses. After a few power moves, Bram uses a spinning heel kick. Roode
amazingly kicks out. Josh thinks it’s 2015. After a struggle, Roode wins, Beer
Money’s theme starts early, Young attacks, Bram helps, and James Storm shows the
worst case of Stockholm syndrome since Patty Hearst. Storm says he left six
months ago, thereby ruining the kayfabe of the last three. Beer Money reunites
in a segment that Maffew’s editing right now.
The Beautiful People don’t bring up why there’s now only
three in The Dollhouse after Taryn Terrell escaped, or how in kayfabe, Angelina
Love wrestled pregnant. F---ing Billy.
Storm hilariously says someone else made a horrible mistake.
The Dollhouse walk out even more like a porn movie than
ever. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne have TNA Knockout Champion Gail Kim with
them. Gail and Jade exchange hits before Velvet tags in. Marti Belle finds
Velvet and Madison a tough team to handle. Rebel tags in, and uses a hairpull,
but can’t stay on offense. Now Gail and Jade brawl, then a hit all your finishers
spot. After a few near pins, Gail pins Jade. The brawl continues until Awesome
Kong randomly turns. She leads the Dollhouse. Boy this Miracle guy better be
worth it.
Maria brings out Mike Bennett. She talks like Bo Dallas, he
dresses like Armando Alejandro Estrada. Bennett talks himself in a promo where
he says he will be Champion. Great promo, but he really chose quite the place
to deliver it.
Matt talks to his family. He says he will be Champion again.
There will be no interference.
Drew tells Angle he appreciates the shot. The Wolves, then
Jesse and Drake challenge them. Angle vs. Davey. Scary idea.
Matt vs. EC3 is the main event tonight. Jeff says he
believes in Matt enough to leave. He asks Tyrus if he feels the same way. The
#1 contender to face the Heavyweight World Champion of the World agrees. We get
a preview of what happens to SCTV stars when they don’t invest. The match starts
with a brawl. Matt sends EC3 outside. Matt brawls with EC3 over to the
commentary table. Sadly, announcers still talking. Both men return to the ring,
where they exchange chops. EC3 then takes the momentum with several moves,
including kicking Matt’s head against the ringpost. Matt is able to battle out,
and moonsault EC3. After EC3 reverse a twist of fate, Matt uses three side
effects. EC3 reverses to a TKO. EC3 goes for it again, but Matt hits a twist of
fate. EC3 rolls on his stomach. EC3 hits the 1%er. Matt kicks out. EC3 waits
for Matt, and gets twist of fate. A kick out. Matt goes for a twist of fate off
the top, but EC3 reverses for a super 1%er to regain the Championship. And you thought
WWE made a World Heavyweight Championship match worthless.
Not a bad night, but far from great. Billy booking like his
name is Russo. While there is a chance things will get better, as commentary
suggests, we’re in the past. See you next week.
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