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Friday, May 15, 2015

Impact Review 5/15/2015

Tonight is Hardcore War, which contrary to how it sounds, is not an upcoming production from Vivid Video. Regardless of our future on the network, we will give you the best action that we should've provided for years. And this time we sobered up Mike Tenay long enough to do commentary.

Kurt Angle talks about how the plans of Eric Young going with the Beat Down Clan blew up in his face basically just like our plans with destination America. He then calls Chris Melendez, whom he calls a true American hero, which is different from a real American hero much like a 1980s cartoon TV show a certain straight edge MMA fighter watches. He recruits Melendez and the rising to team with him. Fairly certain Micah could win this match now with one arm and no legs. Angle puts over the fight that the Rising has given the BDC on a regular basis. If only he puts over the regular fight that management has with the network on a regular basis. Drew Galloway then says everyone that fights for professional wrestling is part of the rising. which means that we are part of our own creation we are confused. Young then comes out angry about how he feels screwed. We should do an angle where a Canadian wrestler walk around all the time feeling screwed. Certainly feels fresh enough seven-year-rule and all. Angle says that he gave Young plenty of chances, but he then challenges young to a rematch under his terms one on one I quit match in our defense, there are no hot blonde women from Florida involved in the story line. After this, Young introduces his tag team partners the Beat Down Clan. A huge brawl with everyone breaks out. Yep, we're doing our main event stuff at the opening of the show. Swerve. Suddenly, Bobby Lashley shows up. That's right until we either go out of business or Bellator decides to go to court over the matter he still works here. Lashley then clears house after all he is the destroyer that and, well, we had no idea what to do with the segment.

Brooke and Rebel vs. the Dollhouse. Seeing Rebel reminds us to ask where the heck is Knux? For that matter, what exactly did we do with Rob Terry? We think we forgot to get him food, hold on. Yes we managed to secure the band Hole for the Dollhouse's music. trust us, Courtney Love works for cheap. that's all we can legally say. Marti Belle decides to interrupt the ass salute to Attack Brooke and Rebel. The Dollhouse early on makes use of double-team tactics against a makeshift, and sad to say, jobber tag team we threw together. Rebel mounts a comeback which allows Brooke to tag in. After Brooke starts to come back before Rebel tags back in, but is no match for the double-team surprise surprise the Dollhouse wins. Taryn says for Gail Kim to pay attention to the play time she had with Gail's family yes this may very well be a Gooker contender, which is one of the things we will cover in our list of Gooker contenders so far sometime next month.

The BDC decides to figure out what you're going to do with the rising well MVP is looking at his phone either yes Homicide is showing, up or whether he should block us. Kenny King asks if they can trust the Looney Toon Eric Young, which causes MVP to say they have the Tasmanian devil on their side. Actually, he left a few weeks ago, don't you remember Montel?

Ethan Carter III comes down with the future George Murdoch. EC3's angry that he won last week, but is not the number one contender. Doesn't he realize that to become number one contender, you have to beat the champion and 50 non-title matches. This prompts Mr. Anderson to show up with a chair. Did you know Mr. Anderson is a two-time TNA World Heavyweight Champion? we remembered just now when Tenay told us. EC3 refuses the challenge that if Mr. Anderson beats Tyrus, Then Anderson gets to face EC3. This causes Anderson to constantly make jokes about how Tyrus is EC3's bitch. We have the feeling this is going to lead to an angle where one of them stands up for himself and then is forced to leave the company. Call it a hunch. This leads Tyrus to accept the challenge. During this match, Josh Matthews brings up that Dixie is on the Steve Austin show and yes part two will have her saying as weird and a stupid things as she did in part one. The poodle match this and talk about how cool who were fairly certain can still take The population of Florida on. EC3 gets ejected to the back while Mr. Anderson pretends like he still affected by the abuse of Tyrus. Mr. Anderson uses a mic check to win. we certainly hope no one asks us to end the streak. We all know what happened the last two times someone was asked to do that. Josh plugs show on the network. Now why bother? We're most likely going to be out of jobs by September.

Magnus will not apologize for breaking a guitar over Storm's head, and says he'll break 1 million guitars. But will he draw a dime? Instead of Storm, Abyss answers the challenge. Two men engage in a brawl near the conveniently placed ultracheap barbecue grilling equipment. Magnus uses tongs to squeeze Abyss' testicles. We know place that will do that for real cheap. This brings out manic who falls victim to Magnus. The brawl continues until Khoya makes the save.

A recap of the cursed TNA World Tag Team Championships. This brings us to the first of the best-of-five series match. At least Christy Hemme got the names right. Oh look, we move to Wednesdays in a few weeks. This could have an impact on the reviews. Oh, and our jobs. Judging by how quick Eddie Edwards returned we can truly say he lives up to the name Die Hard. Tenay references the curse on our Tag Team Championships. Shut up! We want to reason for these guys the hold them. Great fast-paced action between three guys that in a sense are X-Division guys and the guy that contrary to what some in management before said, is totally ready brother. The Dirty Heel begin to dominate Edwards, with Bobby Roode using the power game while Austin Aries the assault. Even when Edwards starts to come back, the Dirty Heels continue. A miscommunication leads to the opening Edwards needs for a hot tag. David Richards brawl so much like dynamite kid it's both awesome and a little scary. Suicide dive by Aries starts to bring the momentum back to the Dirty Heels. However, Richards is able to get a roll-up win.

Galloway has to make the decision of which Rising member to team with, he decides on Micah. we imagine that Micah mouthing the words "I will f---ing kill you" had nothing to do with it.

The Dollhouse, having a sleepover from what seems again to be a set from a porn movie, tell us about how Taryn has a plan for Gail's husband. Somewhere, R.D. Reynolds is thinking about having to write the induction for this.

Recap of Magnus's brawl brings us to Storm angered over the incident. Storm is angry that they keep interrupting him trying to seal the deal if you catch our drift.

The Dollhouse come out in their underwear to boo's, which is a rather weird thing to have to type. Interesting that they are getting audible heel heat. Taryn wants all these, fat out of shape Orlando ordinaries to shut up all she takes off her robe and shows you what a real man looks like. Taryn's in  lingerie that would be quite titillating had we not seen her in a far different state of undress. Gail interrupts the show. After chair and proceeds to darts talking trash about her, Gail proceeds to take on three people in a fight at once. We're fairly certain this is how Brock Lesnar spends his weekends.

Robbie E. vs. Jesse Godderz. The batch initially only gets a few seconds of thought Robbie wins was essentially squash but then he excepts the invitation to have the match again feeding him getting the pin with a la magistral. Jesse wants yet another match. In honor of former NWA World Heavyweight Champion Christian, we will say Jesse wants one more match. The fans begin counting like it's a Baron Corbin match which leads to Josh Matthews pointing it out heads killing the joke. Robbie gets yanother pinfall to finally secure the win. Jesse tries to get one more match but then starts whopping Robbie. Jesse then throws Robbie out of the ring on to the arena floor. Good thing we have padding. We're not like Bill Watts. Jesse then wraps Robbie's neck in a chair and runs him into the ring post. Josh said he thought he'd see a BroMans reunion for no apparent reason.

We can get Team Angle going over their strategy before cutting to the BDC being relieved when young says their help arrives.

Mr. Anderson has a cage for Tyrus. You'd think we have the one we used for king of the mountain.

The main event of the evening Team Angle versus the BDC. We find that Hardcore War is essentially War Games without the second ring. Or the cage. And there are pinfalls. So basically it's not like wargames at all starts off with Galloway vs. Low-Ki. Matthews makes references to Game of Thrones. We hope this is not mean incest. Out comes King to lead to a double team. Micah comes out with the nightstick no doubt stolen by his dad in one of his many incursions with the police. The slight evening of the odds leads to Rising advantage. Kingis the pipe on Micah. You're only making him mad. Young then comes out. He is referred to as a lunatic, though he's not of the titty master variety. Angle hits the ring before telling King #SuplexCityBitch before we cut to commercial. And we come back we find it MVP and Melendez event for the match, at this point resembles a car crash. Young has recruited Bram. Young likely said that Angle call Charlotte overrated. Finally Lashley comes out. He spears Young and slams King. The match becomes MVP versus Lashley.  Lashley kicks out of a boot and reverses a play maker/overdrive into a spear. Brandon's just a brawl which leads into the everyone hits a big move spot Bram with his DDT, Micah with a big ending, King came with an over castle Galloway with a kick. Next Galloway takes several people out with the move on the outside. Whoever Drew didn't take out, Angle does with his own move. This leaves young and Melendez young women's with a piledriver before making an attempt on the prostatic leg of Melendez yes we know this one over about as well as a sex toy in a church the last time we did it, but management couldn't resist the urge of having Eric Young actually take the Prosthetic off. Angle stops him from using it as a weapon on Melendez, Young proceeds to choke angle out with it to close the show. Good taste? Well given our future with this network, we're not sure we can afford it.

So when's another week of TNA Impact. The wrestling was good even some of the storytelling but sadly it's like that. Period in WCW where they were doing things right, but then they were dead. With impact moving to Wednesday is in a few weeks or status of reviewing both Impact in NXT is called into question. We will provide you updates with what we decide. Until then, we will see you next time

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