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Friday, May 8, 2015

Impact Review 5/8/2015

Tonight, we turn our attention to our own sinking ship. Will Ethan Carter III’s the streak live? Will the mystery ask if you know who he is? All this and more as we have a live broadcast the network will be sure to heavily censor. So let’s start the show.

We start the show with Eric Young being the last person on Earth not to know who the special guest referee is. After the China White knockoff theme song, Bully Ray returns. Chants of “Welcome back” lead him to ask if you know who he is. We do, you were in the second Royal Rumble in a row where fans caused the winner to lose at WrestleMania.

EC3 comes out to defend the only current streak that matters. He talks about his quest for gold, and that the fans hopefully voted the right way and voted arm wrestling. Dueling “You can’t wrestle!” “Yes he can!” chants show maybe we shouldn't end this until we sign Roman Reigns. Mr. Anderson then comes out, screams like he was tased in the nuts, then yells some more when they voted falls count anywhere. EC3 gets dominated early on before his guard Tyrus begins to assist. However, after a mic check into the post cleans his disco ball, it’s now one-on-one. Anderson bringing out more chairs than Terry Funk did. Random fan says “You suck Anderson!” We agree. EC3 spits in Anderson’s face pissed him off more than asking how his acting career went. After Anderson gains ground, Tyrus Samoan Spike’s Anderson. Maybe Anderson shouldn't have asked for this. EC3 wins. Since this is now called the streak, we really need to get him a counter.

Backstage, TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle asks if Bully can remain neutral, he is then asked if he knows who Bully is. Either he thinks we all forgot him, or he’s turning.

Back from commercial, Gail Kim asks if she can trust Awesome Kong. A lot of trust issues tonight.

Out comes the Beat Down Clan. Decked out in masks that suggest MVP has started playing Payday. Remember MVP, aim for the Bulldozer’s face shield. No, he’s not going to Global Force Wrestling. He says he will say things to make you uncomfortable. He says Homicide got attack and needs surgery. He suspects The Rising assaulted him. He starts speaking political and even drops an N-Bomb. We will not touch this for all the whiskey in town. Out comes The Rising. Drew Galloway explains he solves his problems in the ring, and with a name like homicide, he’s not the nicest man around. Drew then accuses Kenny King of attacking him, which leads MVP to use insider terms. Since the network hates us, we may tell him to go crazy more often. Drew accepts MVP’s challenge, leading to a brawl with The Rising standing tall into commercial. We return to Drew vs. MVP. Josh calls him McIntyre. We hope for a Camacho reference next. Josh also references Dixie with her moment of pain on the Steve Austin Show Great action that sees Drew get the win. Afterwards, another brawl. This time Young comes back out. Even we forgot he was an ally.

Cut to the back, and James Storm has a gift. We hope it’s a hoverboard. We were supposed to have these by now. Anyway, he plans to reveal it later.

A commercial that features Angle reference his broken freakin’ neck, and potentially spoil our main event. Welcome to TNA Billy.

Storm comes out with his gift, willing to share the spotlight with Mickie James. We’re still in the first 6 months of Gooker contention, we’re just trying to throw our hat into it. Storm goes for the Mr. T praising mother lines before asking about one more match. Storm reveals he got her one of the Jeff Jarrett guitars we’re stuck with, just painted. Tweet of the night goes to @thejackfats: am I the only one to see a #doublej shot before the end of the segment? Storm then poses for photos before Magnus comes out to stop this, only to get his old gladiator helmet. Ron Simmons likely yells “Damn” as he sees this. As the couple is leaving, Storm says he has a gift for their son. This causes Magnus to channel Slap Nuts and attack Storm. Magnus: Broke one guitar, drew a few dimes.

A recap of Bully returning leads to Young explaining to MVP why he attacked. We suspect Homicide ran into a bearded problem. Young wants to forge a deal with the BDC, which leads to Kenny to ask if they were done.

Off to footage from Robert Irvine’s live show. Gail notices The Dollhouse causing trouble. Drew knows.

Creepy camera guy pans up to Christy Hemme. Gail and Kong vs. The Dollhouse. Gail and Kong working together, albeit the usual friction of makeshift teams. The Dollhouse functioning like The Shield minus the SWAT gear. A miscommunication with Marti Belle nearly costs The Dollhouse before Taryn uses the distraction. Once Kong gains momentum, Jade’s assault is as vain as attacking Haku. Taryn gets the win on Gail following a counter of eat defeat. The faces take it out on Marti.

We then showed Jeff Hardy’s injury. We gotta get him a web redemption. Matt’s announcement next.

An ad for One Night Only. Possibly one of the only PPVs we’ll run this year.

Recap of Storm leads to Magnus saying he doesn’t want to be disrespected. A lot of promos tonight.

Matt is the Tag Team Champions. Matt discusses how Jeff’s not a gimmick. Good. Anyone playing that role would go crazy and paint their face and wear a mask. Out comes Bobby Roode and Austin Aries to address their candidacy for the belts. After what happened to the last two teams, best to avoid it like the WWE main roster. Davey Richards next comes out to say he intends has a partner. Out comes Eddie Edwards, who’s fake limp is as strangely brilliant the fake lobotomy McMurphy went though. Even though we have to vacate the belts again, we at least have a back-up plan better than most.

Possible spoiler ad returns.

Drew starts to recruit Matt. Wouldn't hurt to entertain the offer. Unless it’s from management.

Angelina Love starts to talk herself up before Velvet Sky shows up dressed like Canadian Harley Quinn. She remains silent before a spear of rage like Angelina threw a snowball at her glasses.

After the main event promo video, we get Bully and Young. Don’t let EY’s smile spoil it, maybe.

Main event up next. Angle vs. Young with Bully refereeing. Quite competitive early on. Young’s pink tights belong in Hotline Miami. The BDC come out for a bid of solidarity. Surely a live broadcast won’t result in another swerve now, will it? That ad that we hope won’t spoil it. Young dominating while Bully wears an Aces & Eights-knock off vest. Angle battles back in a yay/boo spot. Angle reverses a reversal to lock Young’s ankle. The BDC starts to make their presence known after a Young low blow. Out comes Chris Melendez for no reason, then The Rising. Young, who was obsessed with the Championship, tries to piledrive Bully, but a reversal. Bully still selling the hit is hilarious. Angle manages to get a submission win. A good, if overbooked to bejesus and back. Probably not the best way to structure the match.

This week was more talkative than usual. While EC3 and Mr. Anderson had a fun match, and MVP almost got us in trouble, we added way too much in the main event. Hope Billy doesn’t ask for more of this. Well that’s it for us. Unless we get a job with Global Force, we’ll see you Wednesday.

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