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Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Impact Review 6/17/2015

We are still here another week. And next week, we’re live. Show them about exercising their out we will.

Starting the only way to do so. Starting with Dusty. No better way.

We have a recap of last week, when we had two great matches on one show. Basically, MITB.

We start with TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle and Ethan Carter III signing their names to be at Bell to Bell, which will not have spoilers leaked before Slammiversary. ECIII says he’s been preparing for this moment by hinting at the list of men that Angle has beaten. Most of which left here when the getting was good. ECIII says that they were all beaten by the time Angle faced them, and that he’s never been beaten. Angle says he’s signed for these before, and that big matches are made for him. Angle says that he is healthy now. We truly hope so. He says ECIII will be haunted by the loss. Mike Tenay says each man will pick the other’s tune up opponent. Angle chooses Bobby Lashey. WWECW originals look out for each other.

We get a video about the tag team series that brings us to The Wolves coming out. Davey Richards says he and Eddie Edwards sacrifice everything to be the best tag team in the world. There is a group clapping in disagreement. He says The Dirty Heels want a war, they’re gonna get one. Guess this means Hogan’s coming back. Bobby Roode says that Austin Aries is not medically cleared after his match with Angle last week. Edddie says that’s very convenient, and challenges Roode to face one of them in a match. After teasing he would, Roode initially says no, then says he will accept on the condition that the winner chooses the next stipulation in the next match of the series. Davey wants to accept before Eddie cuts him off and asks if he can to get revenge for the chair shot. We’d make a Die Hard with a Vengeance pun, but Justin told us he’ll lock the liquor cabinet. Next week we’re live. What will we do to the network should be great. When the match begins, Eddie is in control early in this match, but Roode is able to aggressively come back. Roode asks who the fan are cheering for. Something many in WWE are asking even as you read this. Edwards uses the fan support to get out of a chinlock, but Roode stays on him. Edwards is able to take back momentum, leading to a quick exchange of elbows and chops. Edwards gets Roode in the corner and chops him in a way Flair approves of. Edwards then begins his ascent to the top turnbuckle. Roode sees this, and counters into a spinebuster. After a botched run-in by Aries, Edwards rolls up Roode for the win. Davey says he wants Tabl… Full Metal Mayhem.

A promo for Lashley. The best MMA fighter not named Brock Lesnar to fight.

Jeremy Borash interviews Joseph Park. Hey, Joseph Park is back. Forget he's been Abyss the whole time. He says he lost his law practice and invested in Tout. That was funny. The unfortunate coincidence or last week makes his attempted nickname of Hard Times not so funny. He’s facing Bram tonight, who is shown hunting cameramen backstage.

Drew Galloway in a video hypes #ShowYourImpact Not a good idea,

Bram cuts off Park’s pre-match promo by attacking him. Between that, and having a bit of flair, we need to pay him more. Whatever brief offense Park uses, Bram rebounds. Park, who’s looking more like this is a one-night match. We hope that’s all it will be. Bram attempts to bring in weapons. At first, he’s stopped, but he keeps at it. Josh Mathews with a timely Derek Jeter reference. #ImpactTonight #DestinationImpact After he sends Park through a table, he gets the win.

TNA Knockout Champion Taryn Terrell fresh from what seems like a 1990s Playboy Channel show says that Brooke and Awesome Kong need to beat Jade and Marti Belle if either of them wants her in a Championship match. Again, she sounds like she’s trying to be crazy, but it doesn’t sound right.

“Playtime is over” says the video we have for our latest hire. We are not sure you’ll like her in the least, but oh well.

A recap of the opening promo leads to Josh and The Pope to bicker about the match in a few weeks.

That Knockout video is annoying as f---.

Brooke and Kong vs. The Dollhouse. Taryn looks ready to film a porn parody of Black Swan. Kong uses the Austin thing of showing up for the tag match after your partner starts the fight. Kong dominated while Josh uses the word heel without hinting. Ridiculous. After Brooke tags in, she gets dominated by both Dollhouse members. After Jade misses Brooke, Kong tags in and clears house. After Kong chokeslams Marti, she tags in Brooke, who gets the win with an elbow.

We next see the “brilliant” idea of having Eric Young pulling Chris Melendez’s leg off. We’d say it’s in poor taste, but we were asked to book a murder a few weeks ago.

A recap of Eddie winning. Not sure why.

Melendez tells Christy Hemme that Young disrespected America. Not the first time anyone in this promotion disrespected anyone with America in their name, they’re a dummy. Young briefly puts over Melendez’s achievements before saying he doesn’t care about any of it. He cuts the type of heel promo that WWE would make Roman Reigns; opponent cut. Young challenges Melendez next week. If you guessed anything other than the face accepting, get out.

Jesse Godderz, fresh with music from a cable news parody, vs. DJZ. DJZ starts out on fire before getting beaten. We know this is a squash for the kin of masterpiece, so we will say Magnus is here to address his wife’s attempted murder. Which one is more of a problem? Jesse wins with a Boston crab. Jesse says that he’s the reason BroMans won. Tweet of the night for Impact comes from @IFOWrestling Jessie Godderz CLEARLY exacting revenge for all Jessies out there who may have been done wrong by DJ Z. Jesse then chokes DJZ after doing an impression of him looking more like he’s puking. Robbie E runs in to get revenge. Robbie for years was good wrestler, bad gimmick. Hopefully now, we get to book him right.

We get a recap of James Storm in the angle that showed Billy has out-Russo’ed Russo.

Magnus wants to fight Storm. Because that’s how you punish attempted murder. He then worked shoots by referencing Dixie and Gaburick. We told you. Out-Russo’ed Russo. Storm then goes over the angle, and acts like he wasn’t friendzoned. Storm then kidnaps Donovan. Guess the cops will be back at his house. Magnus proves he doesn’t call 911 by attacking him. Storm kicks the stroller to reveal the doll Claire Lynch yelled about.

After a recap video, ECIII vs. Lashley. An undefeated wrestler against an MMA fighter. We feel like we could’ve been humorous here, but we have no Samoan wrestler to screw up anymore. After stalling, ECIII locks up with Lashley. He uses the corner to break the hold. After a punch, he finds that Lashley will show him what being WWE-sanctioned extreme is all about. Lashley uses his power to throw ECIII around. A staredown between Lashley and Tyrus leads The Pope to say Tyrus is a dinosaur. He kept up with the man’s career. Shortly after this, ECIII takes over. Tyrus wedges a random chair into the buckles as ECII kicks out of a powerslam. Lashley spears the random chair by mistake. ECIII only gets two. Lashley pushes ECIII off, causing a ref bump. Tyrus breaks up the pin off of the spear. Lashley kicks out after two bumps and Tyrus interference. Make him look really strong. Lashley spears Tyrus before ECIII uses chair strikes and the 1%er to get the win. 598 days and we haven’t screwed up yet. After the preview for next week, that’s the show.

Another week in the books, and despite not having a home soon, we beat expectations of how good the show was. What do we have in store for next week? Well we’re somewhat live, so maybe we may get taken off early. Until then, have a good night.

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