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Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Impact Review 1/5/2006 Ok, 1/5/2015 Ok,1/5/2016

We survived another year, this time we have someone stupid enough to pay us again.

We see profiles of Matt Hardy, Ethan Carter III, Bobby Lashley, an Eric Young. Mainly Matt and EC3. Wonder who’s fighting to be TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Oh hey, Billy did the song we muted.

Dixie says we had actually chosen PopTV. Hahahahahaha. It’s like choosing to breath to not die. She talks about the TNA Championship, which leads to EC3 saying “we’re live pal”, and having a Festivus airing of grievances. He makes the points that Dixie doesn’t want him to be Champion, and he will be winning. Dixie says EC3 robbed Matt, which leads to Matt. Matt says that EC3 robbed the fans, and that Matt will be the winner. Young jumps Matt. Finally, some action. We thought this was still the Days of our Lives rerun. EC3, Young, and Tyrus beat Matt until Lashley makes the save. Then Matt brawls with Young while EC3 and Tyrus fight Lashley going into break. Oh look, Michael Ian Black is still alive, and Robert DeNiro’s career is barely. Back from break, Lashley vs. EC3.

Lashley starts with power while wearing a headband. He then spears EC3 out of the ring. Tyrus prevents Lashley from bringing EC3 back in. EC3 then keeps himself out of the ring to regroup. Once back in, EC3 is able to send Lashley out for Tyrus to funk him up. Josh Mathews makes a bad segue to Eugene Levy’s Living Hell on PopTV. As EC3 beats on Lashley, we hear he doesn’t get ready, he stays ready. Wait until he teams with Robbie E. Lashley uses a strength advantage to deliver his spinebuster, but EC3 quickly resumes his assault. After Lashley kicks out of a TKO, he running powerslams EC3. He tries again, but Tyrus gets on the apron. Lashley knocks him down, but EC3 uses a roll-up with tights to advance.

Going into the break, we see Kurt Angle ready to announce WWE may not be interested.

A Miracle? Who is disappointing tonight.

TNA Whatever It Is This Week Champion. Bobby Roode has issued a challenge to anyone from anywhere. Surely he has Cena running.

Angle says he’s been blessed to have won Olympic and professional gold, and he couldn’t have done it without the fans. He is honored every time he walks through to the ring. He says he’s having a retirement tour, and says the wrestlers he faced, and the guys he will face. Starting with Drew Galloway. Drew walks out and says the kid in him likes the frosting of Angle, while the adult in him likes the wheat of Angle. Drew goes to speak more, but Jesse Godderz interrupts, but interruptception has Eli Drake belittling him. Drake talks trash about Jesse, TNA World Tag Team Champions The Wolves, and Drew. Angle brings the interruption to an end by challenging Jesse and Drake. A brawl between all four men breaks out. Leading to Angle with an ankle lock on Jesse while Drew claymores Drake.

Jeff Hardy Painted His face in order to tell Jeremy Borash Matt’s ok. This happened.

Young in the ring says that Matt won’t be here. Matt emerges and gives a “BAAAAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP”! Once in the ring, Matt dominates, leading to a Flair flop by Young. Once Young gets on offense, he targets the neck, and brings Matt outside. Young delivers a back suplex on the steps before bringing Matt back inside, he continues to attack the neck. Matt starts to build back up to a yay/boo. Matt then uses a series of elbows before hitting a bulldog. Matt rallies and tries for a twist of fate, but Young sends them both outside. After the big piledriver on the outside by Young, Matt is promptly checked by Jeff, but Young attacks him as well. Young brings Matt back into the ring, and attempts to fly, but Matt hits a twist of fate to win. A true surprise that Matt and EC3 will be wrestling tonight.

Someone is walking around the back. Whoever it is likely tried everywhere else.

We see Young pissed, and EC3 taunting Jeff. Jeff says Matt will be the new Champion.

Roode next emerges to find out who he’ll face in his U.S. Open Challenge. It will be Bram. After the initial brawl between Bram and what year it is, Roode finds Bram is a challenge. Roode uses a clothesline to drop Bram like domestic abuse charges. Roode tries for a Roode bomb, but Bram reverses. After a few power moves, Bram uses a spinning heel kick. Roode amazingly kicks out. Josh thinks it’s 2015. After a struggle, Roode wins, Beer Money’s theme starts early, Young attacks, Bram helps, and James Storm shows the worst case of Stockholm syndrome since Patty Hearst. Storm says he left six months ago, thereby ruining the kayfabe of the last three. Beer Money reunites in a segment that Maffew’s editing right now.

The Beautiful People don’t bring up why there’s now only three in The Dollhouse after Taryn Terrell escaped, or how in kayfabe, Angelina Love wrestled pregnant. F---ing Billy.

Storm hilariously says someone else made a horrible mistake.

The Dollhouse walk out even more like a porn movie than ever. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne have TNA Knockout Champion Gail Kim with them. Gail and Jade exchange hits before Velvet tags in. Marti Belle finds Velvet and Madison a tough team to handle. Rebel tags in, and uses a hairpull, but can’t stay on offense. Now Gail and Jade brawl, then a hit all your finishers spot. After a few near pins, Gail pins Jade. The brawl continues until Awesome Kong randomly turns. She leads the Dollhouse. Boy this Miracle guy better be worth it.

Maria brings out Mike Bennett. She talks like Bo Dallas, he dresses like Armando Alejandro Estrada. Bennett talks himself in a promo where he says he will be Champion. Great promo, but he really chose quite the place to deliver it.

Matt talks to his family. He says he will be Champion again. There will be no interference.

Drew tells Angle he appreciates the shot. The Wolves, then Jesse and Drake challenge them. Angle vs. Davey. Scary idea.

Matt vs. EC3 is the main event tonight. Jeff says he believes in Matt enough to leave. He asks Tyrus if he feels the same way. The #1 contender to face the Heavyweight World Champion of the World agrees. We get a preview of what happens to SCTV stars when they don’t invest. The match starts with a brawl. Matt sends EC3 outside. Matt brawls with EC3 over to the commentary table. Sadly, announcers still talking. Both men return to the ring, where they exchange chops. EC3 then takes the momentum with several moves, including kicking Matt’s head against the ringpost. Matt is able to battle out, and moonsault EC3. After EC3 reverse a twist of fate, Matt uses three side effects. EC3 reverses to a TKO. EC3 goes for it again, but Matt hits a twist of fate. EC3 rolls on his stomach. EC3 hits the 1%er. Matt kicks out. EC3 waits for Matt, and gets twist of fate. A kick out. Matt goes for a twist of fate off the top, but EC3 reverses for a super 1%er to regain the Championship. And you thought WWE made a World Heavyweight Championship match worthless.

Not a bad night, but far from great. Billy booking like his name is Russo. While there is a chance things will get better, as commentary suggests, we’re in the past. See you next week.

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