Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Justin and Maffew Present The 2015 WWE Brand Extension
With the NFL Draft roughly 24 hours away, I strained for a wrestling tie-in, and quickly found one: the WWE Brand Extension. Some fans actually miss the split brands, largely in part because Smackdown felt like such a different show, what with the presence of Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, and roughly a third of TNA's current roster.
To go with the draft theme, I've enlisted the charming and earnest Maffew Gregg of Botchamania to help me split the current WWE in half. Maffew will play as Raw, and I will be the nameless Smackdown GM. He picks first among a pool of 56 wrestlers.
-Seth Rollins, The New Day, and Nikki Bella are exempt, as having one World, Tag, and Women's champion means they have to float across the brands where needed. Two secondary champions (Cena and Bryan) means Maffew picks one and I pick the other. It's only fair, and we're gentlemen.
-For the pool, Maffew and I will each pick 20 performers, which will leave a grand total of 16 when we're finished. Those 16 will be randomly assigned at the end, a la the Supplemental Draft, and will no doubt feel like unwanted children. Poor them, says we.
-There is no third rule, so let's just get this pointless yet oddly entertaining exercise going. We've provided our own remarks after each pick, for the sake of humor. Humorous to us, at least. Your mileage may vary, you witless toad.
Away we go.
1. Raw (Maffew) Selects: John Cena
Because I want to make money.
2. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Daniel Bryan
Because we need a secondary title, and its imperative that Bryan lose it before his head detaches itself in a diving headbutt mishap. If that happens, we fear Chris Nowinski may appear suddenly and abscond with the cranium. That would be terrible PR.
3. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman)
Because I wanted to fuck Smackdown and feel like WWE did in 2006. Cena's not actually got his revenge-pin on Brock yet, so I'm building blocks and thinking long-term. I will be gone from the company in a week.
4. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Bray Wyatt
If you split the brands, you can actually have room for Wyatt to actually do something instead of cut pointless sixty-second Tough Enough audition videos that mean nothing. I mean, with 180 minutes on Raw, clearly there's not enough time for someone that can actually cut a worthwhile promo to have anything to do.
5.Raw (Maffew) Selects: Dolph Ziggler
The Fantastics to Cena's Rock n Roll Express. Much the same but in different parts of the card and only butting heads if WWE starts struggling. Plays the role of ''Cena's friend'' as they team against the baddies.
6. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Randy Orton
Still clearly has a lot to offer, and being presented as a sociopathic asskicker without Cena in the picture (Cena still being in the secondary title scene) has actually made Orton feel exponentially more interesting. His promos are dull unless he's threatening to piss clean through a guy's eye socket, but what are you gonna do?
7. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Ryback
Every show needs a heavy. Very versatile at either killing jobbers, or for segments where all the writers can't be arsed to write anything better and still be kept warm by the potential of getting title shots...if he wanted.
8. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Dean Ambrose
It's probably for his own good.
9. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Sheamus
I need a heel with respect/previous glory and he's doing a good job. Plus splitting the brands means more segments where he beats up Zack Ryder every week in progressively longer segments.
10. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Rusev
To protect him from John Cena, and hey, it's another credible heel. He can rehash the "I hate America" bit with Orton for four months if need be. That's what the lull between SummerSlam and the Rumble's for.
11. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Kane
Can do anything and still get a reaction. Means I can be lazy in my role of putting together Raw every week
12. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Paige
Just trying to keep Jezebel and Uproxx out of the company's asshole. Not to take anything away from Paige, who is always enjoyable to watch, even when her and AJ's storyline motivation was 'you have seven minutes to look competent, plus entrances'
13. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Luke Harper
Underused and ripe for messing around with. Like hairy putty. He also has respect from the crowd, despite not saying much.
14. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Cesaro
It's a run of one-named wonders! Hopefully singles matches on the show that Vince doesn't give a metric shit about will restore the buzz Cesaro had a year ago. Until he's traded to Raw and jobbed to Bull Dempsey in 2017, but alas.
15. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Jack Swagger
I need at least one jobber before Justin nicks them all, and I'm stuck trying to justify Luke Harper pinning Naomi.
16. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Roman Reigns
Post-production sound sweetening. BELIEVE DAT.
17. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Stardust
Nuttier than squirrel shit, Stardust will give variety by being like nothing else. Plus, I don't need to mess with his character because HE'S FINALLY OVER as something
18. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: The Miz
Needed another strong heel, and the run with Sandow made him interesting again. Plus he and and Paige can feud over their parts in Santa's Little Helper as part if the insipid inevitable tie-in.
19. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Big Show
Because Justin offered me a fiver for him because he couldn't think of anything to write for him.
Plus him and Kane on the same show means if need be I can stick the pair of them together as a team or feuding and no-one will notice.
20. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Tyson Kidd
FACT. Justin hates it when good teams are hastily split up.
21. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Damien Sandow
Wacky, but in a good way. Like Bill Cosby in the 80s. Over as fuck, makes the program feel less sterile than it actually is
22. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Bad News Barrett
Since the Intercontinental Title's on Smackdown, we need the five-time IC Champion that has never won a non-title match in his life. Barrett looks at that belt the same way Crazy Ralph looks at Crystal Lake. "It's got a death curse!"
23. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Bo Dallas
A great character that would benefit greatly from further time and the chance to shine with actual things to do and feuds to have. Plus, he can be The Wyatt Of Raw
24. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Jey Uso
Please don't draft Jimmy, Maffew, please don't draft Jimmy....
25. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Darren Young
Please don't pick Titus, please don't pick Titus
26. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Jimmy Uso
27. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Goldust
Justin ain't picking Titus so I'm nabbing a veteran.
28. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Neville
Went unnoticed until now. This could be a reality about a year from now when Neville's lost in the shuffle and trading wins with Aiden English on Main Event.
29. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Titus O'Neil
Oh well done Maffew, you're that high on flu remedy you missed the Geordie. Great. Raw's fucked so I'm picking Titus.
30. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Lana
Wow, we're WAY behind on picking women. Damn our Neanderthal minds.
31. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Summer Rae
Because with a name like that she's the opposite of Newcastle.
32. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Erick Rowan
To cash in on the Mad Max remake, Rowan will be repackaged as a Lord Humongous type in old Demolition attire. Have a feeling some of you were expecting a Master Blaster joke there. You should be ashamed of yourselves (but not as much as me for having considered it).
33. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Naomi
A diva who hasn't been ruined. I notice Justin hasn't nicked Nat yet, how will Team CAT survive?
34. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Natalya
Way to force my hand. Not that I have any objection to having Nattie on my show. She brought Sable's catsuits back, and that's good enough.
35. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Mark Henry
To balance all those hormones. Can still be used a giant (er like half of my Raw, fuck) or as a vet. Maybe with Goldust as Team I Bet You Didn't Think These Two Would Still Be Here Twenty Years Later.
36. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Fandango
Think the man who's never really had a sustained push would benefit from the B-show mode of production. You can literally say this about any midcarder that's been barely used and then pushed aside, actually.
37. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Heath Slater
What Justin said about Fandango, accept that Slater's over after his entrance.
38. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Kalisto
If I'm building my own Smackdown Six, I'll need a Rey Mysterio.
39. Raw (Maffew) Selects: Curtis Axel
Re-name show Monday Night Axel, retire tomorrow.
40. Smackdown (Justin) Selects: Emma
I'd call this the 'steal' of the draft, but that's beating a deader horse than R-Truth's fear of spiders.
SUPPLEMENTAL ASSIGNMENTS (Randomly taking the remainder of the geeks and assigning them to rosters)
-Adam Rose (Comedy jobber, like the APA he's over during his theme and then SILENCE. I'll enjoy having Ryback squash him on one week and then the next Ryback eating the guy dressed as the hot dog.)
-Brie Bella (I've no idea what I'm going to do with her. Something she's used to then)
-Diego and Fernando (Ole Anderson hired JYD and Paul Orndorff in 1991 for no other reason than because they were cheap. This factoid has nothing to do with this pair of out-dated characters but it's a lot more interesting than both of them combined.)
-Layla (Fuck me, is she still in WWE?)
-Rosa Mendes (She'll be thrilled with wrestling 2 minute long matches every 6 months. She's got a better schedule than Brock.)
-Tamina Snuka (Copy paste Awesome Kong and Gail Kim feud with Tamina and revolving series of Divas and VOILA)
-Zack Ryder (Well someone's got to take the ring down at the end of the night)
-Alicia Fox (If Kidd and Natalya renew their vows, we have the adulterous wedding planner on standby)
-Cameron (Can be the Aunty Entity to Rowan's Master Blas--uh, Lord Humongous. That was close)
-Eva Marie (NOOOOOOO)
-R-Truth (Eh, good opening match guy)
-Sin Cara (Another team that lives to fight another day)
-Konnor and Viktor (Another team that lives to go unused for another day)
-Zeb Colter (Wooo, new color commentator!)