We decided a few months ago to review Impact as it goes off TV. Sadly, doing a straight-up review of this big dumpster fire would be as depressing as reviewing the AWA Team Challenge Series. Therefore, we shall instead give you a bit of the riffing we’re known for on our Twitter page. Let our exclusive insight, as well as a few Rt’s from some of our followers, give you the kind of look everyone SHOULD be having while this hot garbage fills the airtime that Naked Bigfoot Barbecue will likely need in January. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sight of a hot mess. No Taryn, not you.
We start with a recap of TNA Ghost Austin Aries getting the win over Mr. Anderson. Don’t worry Mr. Anderson, you’re getting paid something, and Ethan Carter III winning the Taker way.
After the brutal duo of Josh Mathews and The Pope yammer about recent wins, EC3 talks about how he had the guts and nuts to defeat Bobby Lashley.
Matt Hardy vs. Robbie E. Matt gets an entrance. Sure that’s nothing. Matt, wearing pants greener than Eva Marie, gets caught in a hammerlock. He gets out and throws Robbie into the corners. Robbie comes back as we hear about Robbie’s challenge to Rob Gronkowski. We could possibly get a guy that looks like Aaron Harnandez. Matt stops the momentum with a sleeper hold. Robbie gets out, but ends up back in the corner. After Matt launches him, we get a yay boo into a side effect. As Matt goes running into Robbie, he instead eats the turnbuckle, and we get false pins by both men. Matt uses a sit-out powerbomb and an elbow. When Matt goes for a twist of fate, Robbie reverses into a boom drop. Matt kicks out, then spams his signature and stored finisher to get 3 points.
Fem-Cena Gail Kim explains she has “One. More. Match. In order to redeem herself tonight after her loss to Brooke recently. She takes on Awesome Kong tonight.
During the break, we see the Zeus Ball Park ad. We imagine he’ll face the vending machine’s brother in No Holds Barred 2. We also hear @TheChaosBlue tell us: “Hold up was that Izzy the Bayley Superfan in the crowd lmao what” We have arrived!
After the recap, Matt says Robbie was more than he expected, Robbie says he is proud of his fight, and Grado takes a photo with Matt. 2/3 isn’t bad.
After the yammering about Grado, we see his match with Drew Galloway. The first half of a quick look at Drew seems like the video that would’ve aired at Bound For Glory had we paid the production guys. Drew out-grapples Grade, but he can’t out-weigh him. After Grado stomps on Drew’s foot, Drew gets angry and suplexes him. Drew tries to chop, but Grado reverses. This further angers Drew, at least until Grado accidentally low-blows Drew. This low-blow angers Drew. What is it with groin hits lately? Drew’s anger gives him several key moves before Grado Rock Bottoms him and even cannonballs him. Grado goes for a back superplex, but several reversals force him to tree of woe Drew. As is the case in this match, Drew then pushes him away, and uses his running dropkick, now known as the claymore. Fitting he uses a sword name given this place is a carved-up mess.
A quick highlight of Gail and Kong’s feud to hype-up the main event.
A recap of TNA Ghost James Storm and Abyss imploding on Impact recently. More yammering as they talk about Mahabali Shera.
Aiden O’Shea vs. Crazzy Steve is next. The guy that looks like Kane’s non-demon look vs. the guy that looks like Doink joined the Wyatts. Aiden is angered at Steve’s antics and pushes him. We hear Steve’s backstory. Bastards. Steve then blares a horn, causing Aiden to start bashing him about the head. Aiden then pushes Steve into the buckles several times before stepping on his horn hand. Smart man. Aiden then takes the fight outside and throws Steve around the railing and apron. When Aiden goes to punch Steve, he rolls out of the way. Funny fact, one of us avoided a fight in school be ducking the punch, causing him to hurt himself. Despite the injured hand, Aiden clotheslines Steve to get 3 points.
Abyss says he doesn’t need Storm anymore. That’s good given where he’ll go NeXT. After this, we get a video about both men’s successes. After the voiceover guy says Storm may be put into a black hole, never to be seen again, we say he got it half-right.
We have a Jeff Hardy DVD. No, Victory Road 2011 isn’t on there.
Another highlight of Gail vs. Kong has some of the last you’ll hear of Taz around here. Then a recap of Drew beating Grado. Then Grado does a dead-on Davey Richards impression. Or he’s selling. Either way.
Hyping up Storm vs. Abyss in a Winner gets to go to NXT match is thankfully brief. Storm goes on the microphone to remind Abyss they have been here from the beginning. You know, back when Storm had cap guns and Abyss was Prince Justice. Storm tries to get Abyss to forfeit, but Abyss yells about being a weapon before punching Storm. Storm’s flurries are as brief as his pay as we go into break. Steve Austin should burn the WWE games guy that replaced Mike Tyson with a random bald guy after seeing that WWE2K16 ad. Back from break, Storm bashes Abyss with a bottle. Ok, a water bottle, before throwing him into a ringpost. Storm goes to grab a chair and wedge it in between the buckles. They both try to send each other through it until Abyss finally sends Storm through it. Despite the hit, only two. Abyss then brings Janice in and tries to hit Storm. No surprise the stuck in the buckle spot leaves Abyss open to a cowbell to the head. Amazingly, only gets two. Abyss manages to prevent Storm from going off the top, but his superplex leaves him open to a sunset flip powerbomb. When Storm hits a superkick, he forgot it does nothing nowadays. Same with Abyss and many different versions of chokeslams. Storm manages to find a bottle, a beer bottle this time. He spits the beer in Abyss’ face before finally using a superkick to get 3 points.
A recap of the last two matches brings us to Jeremy Borash interviewing Shera. We actually talked with someone, and the use of “I am” is actually more common in that part of the world than you think. Makes it not very funny to make jokes about that. Oh, and Jeff’s being interviewed next week. Assuming he doesn’t leave before.
A video for the Bobby Roode Eric Young feud leads us to ask if anyone remembers when Roode tuened earlier this year then forgot when he won the Big Red Belt.
Tigre Uno faces DJZ is next. Tigre Uno moves between several moves targeting the arm before DJZ uses the kind of agility that better make him a lot of money after the end. The battle goes outside, where DJZ is able to turn things around. DJZ then thrusts away in the corner like Wicked Pictures was recording it. Despite the abuse he’s given, DJZ still isn’t keeping Tigre Uno down. The commentary talks about how Tigre Uno has “recovered” from his injury at Bound For Glory. DJZ tries twice for a hurricarana, only succeeding on the second one. More flipping leads to a DDT that gets DJZ 3 points.
Highlights of Gail vs. Kong at Bound For Glory. Don’t worry, we’re not showing this match.
Gail vs. Kong starts now. Gail tries to strike quickly, but it proves early on to be as successful as Billy has been booking here. Gail tries to to work on Kong’s shoulder, but Kong sends her outside going into break. Back from break, and Kong takes Gail a-swingin’ into the buckle. Kong camel clutches Gail, in an attempt to develop her Kongy Baby gimmick. Kong steps on Gail, and pushes her around. Kong then goes for a sleeper, but Gail makes it difficult. After a brief submission gold, Gail proves why she’s Big Match Gail. After sending Kong to the outside, she waits for Kong to return before going for an armbar on the opposite arm. Kong uses power to escape, then world’s strongest slams Gail to get two with five minutes remaining. After a desperation hit by Gail, Gail again flies around. We have 2 minutes left until 11:00, so we know we are not getting an overrun. Because of this, Gail gets a quick pin. Thought we’d have to kill the editing guy.
See, it’s not as bad when you can have fun with it. We hope to make these painful hours fly by next week.