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Friday, May 29, 2015

Impact Review 5/29/2015

So Destination America has decided to listen to the sponsors instead of the people that buy the sponsors’ crap. Of course this wouldn’t have been a problem had management listened to the audience, but the audience never told Dixie she could be a great on-air character. We swear if Russo finds a job somewhere, that person deserves to see their company die. In any case, DA decided to give Ring of Honor a spot on the network shortly, and the TV spot Dixie talked us out of later this year. But enough with our slow slide. Time to see what we did for May Mayhew. We should’ve just called it MAYhem, but that would be too subtle.

Eric Young drives up and sees TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle waiting for him. They then begin to brawl like they were told the winner gets paid.

TNA Knockout Champion Taryn Terrell vs. Gail Kim in a steel cage. Gail attacks early on given that Taryn wants to steal her husband. Given what she did to her last one, we can’t blame Gail. The Dollhouse are able to use the holes for the cameras to help their boss. Our cages are still more secure than WWE’s. Gail battles back, and even gives Taryn’s leg a stunner. About our cages being more secure, the Dollhouse provide enough of an assist to get Taryn the win. After wards, Taryn attacks Earl Hebner, and locks the cage. Awesome Kong comes down to try to get into the cage, but it doesn’t work. Taryn takes Gail’s ring off, puts it in her mouth, then attacks Gail’s left hand, breaking her finger. Given we’re off the network soon, we should’ve let Taryn show off her cunning lingual skills before commercial. Oh well.

A recap of the James Storm sabotage angle brings out Mickie James to discuss Magnus and Storm’s battling. This causes Storm, with a spiffy new hat, to come down. Mickie apologizes for Magnus channeling New Jack, which causes Storm to say it’s jealousy. Truth be told, of all the angles right now, this has one of the best performances. Storm really does the role of the guy that is seen through by one person. Storm does what The Miz did with Naomi and say he wants to help her music career. He name drops multiple singers, including Billy “I Hate Meltzer Despite Him Being Right” Corgin. We really wanted him to say Toby Keith. Mickie accepts the offer to end the segment. Again, many men and women that see through veneers can identify with Magnus and his struggle to expose Storm’s intentions.

A quick segment sees Kenny King saying not to list different things, like how he feels that a promotion he left while being one half of it’s Tag Team Champions possibly replacing the promotion he jumped to.

A DirecTV ad says no one wants a goat. Great to see Vince is writing their ads.

We had to separate Angle and Young. We’d tell you what Young tweeted after headbutting the glass, but he blocked us. After we made him Daniel Bryan.

Up next is an X-Division gauntlet-style battle royal. Starting off is Manik and Rockstar Spud. Spud plays up the underdog role against a man his size. Strange. Next comes DJ Z. the man we couldn’t help with his hospital bills while we paid Hogan and Bischoff. An interesting team-up from Spud and Z develops. He may have turned him face. Next out if Mandrews: Rockstar Spud 2. Manik finds himself further on an island. Did we turn him face too? Next out is Argos. He comes from AAA. Out of the guys from there, we wanted Alberto El Patron. But he wanted assurances we don’t have racists here. Sorry Alberto. Manik eliminates Mandrews to possibly be our Ric Flair. Crazzy Steve comes out before we go to commercial. He was the popular one in the Menagerie not doing splits. Tigre Uno was eliminated when we come back. Trust us. He was in it. X-Division Champion Kenny King is the last entrant. He’s not in long before we see Crazzy Steve and Argos file out early. Spud sells a shoulder injury, which allows Z to take the fight to King. This doesn’t last as he’s eliminated. Hearing Christy Hemme speak makes us realize she’s gone.  Austin Aries is not happy. An alliance between King and Manik ends when the former eliminates the latter. The match now ends by pinfall or submission. King getting brutalized like he said Kevin Owens is underrated. King starts to take it easy. Which is all Spud needs to roll-up King and end this match. Kenny King lost in his first defense as Champion. He must really hate ROH now.

Josh Mathews says to write down our new time. Don’t use permanent ink.

Match two in the best-of-5 series between the Wolves and the Dirty Heels begins. A fast-paced brawl starts this match. Both teams exchange early double team attacks. Momentum shifts so rapidly between the teams that there is no room to slow down. There is a fun moment where Aries ducks an enziguri from Eddie Edwards, leaving Bobby Roode to receive he hit. Roode starts to play Ricky Morton. At BFG 2011, he sold that sumbitch out. When Aries comes in, we get Aries with last chancery on Davey, and Roode with a “Triple-H” crossface on Edwards. When things start to slow down, we get plenty of near falls. Including Davey having to leap to break last chancery. The Wolves go up 2-0 with a power bomb-backstabber combo. So far the match to beat on tonight’s broadcast.

We go from Davey, to the future Mrs. Davey. Angelina Love wonders why Velvet Sky is attacking her despite not having a job here. Ask John Cena what this means.

King leaves MVP a message about losing the X-Division Championship.

Angelina has a security detail. Sadly, we couldn’t get a former ROH Champion to help. Angelina taunts Velvet with Love Personal Security. When Angelina turns her back, Velvet Danza slaps her to the ground, and even takes out one of the members of the goon squad before being hauled off.

Mr. Anderson presents the cage Tyrus will be locked in while Anderson wrestles Ethan Carter III. We’ll lock him in it the day he’s supposed to sign with GFW.

Up next we have EC3, the WHC candidate from Florida. He references Corgin’s music by saying Tyrus won’t be a rat in a cage. Tweet of the night goes to @phenomclassic: can someone now please make a picture of @EthanCarterTNA with buttlerfly wings? Mr. Anderson tries to get Tyrus in the cage, but EC3 stops him. The commentary talks about shenanigans We swear to God we'll pistol whip the next guy that says shenanigans. Josh puts over the company that's killing his job.  Meanwhile, Anderson finally gets Tyrus in the cage. If Haku were there, he’d kick the lock. EC3 starts to come back through dirty tactics and crotching Anderson in the turnbuckle. EC3’s rally is short-lived, as Anderson hits a mic check. EC3 has the drive to kick out. Anderson goes for it again before falling to Dirty Dee… The Party Fo… The 1%’er. EC3’s streak lives to see another day. Anderson goes to shake the hand of the winner before EC3 slaps it away.

Spud is reminded about Option C. Looks like he may not be X-Division Champion for long. Which leads us asking why we ever took it off of him in the first place.

The main event is on now. Angle vs. Young in an “I Quit” match. They need guards to get them into the ring without hurting each other. When it does start, they start viciously brawling. Angle then takes Young to #SuplexCityBitch before Young pushes him to the outside. Young gains the advantage after hitting Angle in the face with the Hammer Jammer. The microphone sounds like a house mic for some reason.  A quick sequence of both men exchanging figure-four leglocks with Young using an anklelock in between. After breaking the hold, Young goes up top and attempts a dropkick. Angle blocks into an anklelock. He taps out, but it does not end the match for obvious reasons. Young uses a low blow into a piledriver. Despite this, Angle won’t give up. Young demands Angle quits, but hears “Kiss! My! Ass!” It’s not that kind of match. Angle reverses a second piledriver into an anklelock. This time, Young has no choice but to quit. Angle retains the Championship.

So ends our time on Fridays. Since we also cover NXT, we can say that we will review both shows for the time being. Until then, see you for the Wednesday Night Free-For-All.

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